Indispensable

I have a week off work this week.  I have really looked forward to being at home with my youngest.  I have missed doing the trivial issues that come with being a mum.  I have been trying  desperately hard to potty train Baby Arlo, doing the school run daily (which weirdly I miss the most)  and just being here for the children.  I am not struggling with their homework.   And so far it has been brilliant.

And then this morning...

I was sitting on the bed after the shower, drying my hair when I felt an elastic band type ping in my lower back and a wave of agony hit me.  I screamed out and lay down.  Confused and in pain.  The feeling of the "elastic band ping" made me feel weak and faint, the pain was unbearable. 

Jurgen came running and I asked him to help me up because I couldn't move myself.  He managed to get me to my feet and held onto me whilst I got my bearings.  I was in a lot of pain but I think once the shock wore off the pain became more manageable.

I could walk fine which was my primary concern.  I mean, I don't know why I thought I wouldn't be able to walk...but over dramatically (as I am prone) I did.  But I couldn't sit.  I could lie down but if I sat up the pain was no longer manageable.  So, I lay down for a while and considered my options...

I like to sit,  I'm good at it.  You watch TV sitting down, you socially network sitting down and I was thinking about how I would get through the day without sitting down.   It all became a bit too much.

Jurgen brought me paracetemol and I took them.  He told me that this would take the edge off it.  I finally managed to get up and downstairs and my movement slowly returned. 

Its weird because I don't, as a rule,  have things wrong with me, if you see what I mean.  I haven't had a day off sick from work since before I met Jurgen.  I am not very tolerant of ill people (which is a bad thing, I know) and all of a sudden here I was not being able to walk and sit properly. 

I do three exercise classes and swim 6 miles a week.  I jog or cycle daily and I eat healthily.  But no end of being healthy and trying to live properly helped me today. 

And I suspect now that on and off I will always have minor back difficulties. 

This evening I am able to walk easier, sit properly with only minor pain and I have even hoovered and cooked the dinner.  Jurgen offered to do everything but I am really anxious about stopping and allowing this to become an issue and everything seizing up and it all becoming very much worse.

I rang my mum to tell her and she told me to get myself to the doctors immediately because I could have done serious damage.  But anyone who knows me knows that I only go to the doctors if I have absolutely no other choice.   In my pregnancy with Roman I never went to the doctors once (stupidly) until I became really unwell and was diagnosed with pre eclampsia and rushed into hospital.  So I am not good at going to the doctors.  I have told my mum I will wait a day or two and then see how its going.  If I am honest I think I have been a diva and made a big fuss over nothing.

But that's the thing - you can never be too sure, can you?

I sometimes believe I am indispensable.  That nothing bad is going to happen to me health wise.  I guess we all feel like this until it does and then it makes you think.

There are people in a lot worse discomfort, pain and with serious illnesses that are life threatening and I am not taking that lightly.  Its just for me, today, I  realised that we are not indispensable.  That your whole life can change in a heart beat.  You don't know what tomorrow brings.

Because of today I am not going to start doing all the things on my bucket list.  I am not going to start to live every day as if it is my last.  But I do need to be more appreciative of that fact that these things CAN and DO happen. 

As I put my feet up (with some difficulty )this evening and watch TV and eat cake I am going to try be more appreciative of that.   And really try and forget the feeling of that pingy thing in my back going...

And I think that means I may just have to start slowing down a bit....

Fear

I had reason this week to feel fear.   I mean heart wrenching, gut sinking,  sweat inducing fear.

It was work related.  I can't tell you the details but that really doesn't matter.  I have never felt fear before and it was obviously a whole new thing for me and something that since, has been playing on my mind.

Without giving any details it made me realise that I THINK I am a tough old bird.  I knew I was in a dangerous place and that I shouldn't be there but I also knew that not a soul in the world was going to know that I was afraid.

I was coherent.  I was confident.  I was "normal"  all because I made a decision not to be taken over by my fear. 

I managed to keep my voice calm .  Even though I thought I would cry and wet myself all at the same time. 

I walked away from the situation full of this confidence that I didn't really feel.  Waiting for the unexpected to happen and fortunate that it didn't.   It may sound all very dramatic, but it really was.  For my heart at least.

Afterwards I realised that until this day I had never been fearful of anything in my life.  I have been in some precarious positions in my time but fear?   Naaaahhh.   Slight concern, maybe.  But nothing like fear.

I think I learned something about myself.   I realise that stupidly ( or not) I would stand up for myself.  I would fight to protect myself if necessary.   I don't want to be a shrinking wallflower.  I want to be the confident woman that isn't afraid.

When Jurgen and I argue he often comments afterwards about how I am like a dog with a bone.   That sometimes the argument would be over in minutes if it wasn't for my pig-headedness and my apparent stubbornness.  But maybe that's not so bad?  

I mean don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't go headlong into a fistfight with Mike Tyson if I thought I was right but I don't think that I would walk away with my tail between my legs either... I am not sure whether its a dangerous personality trait of not.

I have always been the same.  I am a very protective person and I fight my corner and that of my family.  Its not in my nature to be submissive or to walk away.  I will always stand my ground and fight for what I believe is right.  Its who I am.

I have just been watching the news of the trial of Oscar Pretorius.  His defence against the killing of his girlfriend is that it was driven by "fear".  Could fear encourage you to kill?    I am genuinely unsure.  Maybe it would.   I don't know the in's and out's of the Pretorius trial (it just happened to be on the news) but who knows how anyone of us would react in the face of fear.  Its fight or flight, isn't it? Its opened up a whole can of worms for me....

 I am going to continue  to be a confident woman who knows her own mind and her own capabilities.    I am not going to allow myself to be in that position again if I can help it.  I mean its not clever.  I am not proud that I was in this predicament.  But I think my ability to not look afraid was maybe the reason that the situation didn't escalate.  I guess, I think that some people can "smell" your fear and would act on that fear and use it to their own advantage.

I don't want to be a hero.  I know that I wouldn't put my life on the line to prove a point.   I mean, my job is awesome and I love it but sorry,  I wouldn't die for it.....

I want to be confident.  And I know that I possibly portray this aura anyway.  But until you feel the fear.  Until you are faced with it, who knows how you will react.

I am not sure whether I was reckless or stupid.  Its too late for me to decide. 

Just that,  as a woman I don't want another person to think they can make ME feel like that.  Its absurd how this has made me think.  All defiant and angry that there are people in the world like that.  But while there are,  I don't want to be afraid.  Much to my detriment?   Maybe...

But I don't want to be afraid.  Of anyone, ever.  Its difficult to explain because people have died by trying to triumph in the face of adversity.  And now I am all confused all over again.  Because I 'spose that could have been me....

Fear is a new emotion for me.  I had never experienced it before and I really hope that I don't again.  But its scary how it has made me feel and how much I have reflected on it since.   I thought I was done learning new things about myself .. but apparently not.   Except this time, I am not really sure what I have learned.  But here's hoping that it never happens to me again then I don't need to know what exactly I learned.....