Stressville

I am riding the Christmas Express to stressville and I am no longer sure why I punish myself every year with the same old antics.

I am exhausted with the lists, the decorations, the spendage, the hiding, the wrapping, the sorting, the everything.

I save really really hard for Christmas otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford it.  Granted, this takes a lot of the stress away.   I then go on a mad spending spree and buy just about everything I can lay my hands on.  My children don't get a lot during the year generally, so I do admit to going a bit mad at Christmas.  I then hide it throughout the property in any nook and cranny that I can find.  How hard is that?  I then have to remember where I have hidden things so as not to be buried alive, in front of the children, by an avalanche of gifts as I inadvertantly open the offending cupboard in front of prying eyes. 

I then have to sort and wrap.  In a haze of lost scissors, sticky tape, a marker pen and a note pad (to tot up the amount of  presents)   Sticky tape makes my hair go static which sticks to my face, which makes me more angry as I search again for the scissors that I just put down and the pen thats rolled under the bed...all the while watching a Virgin Catch Up programme that I have no chance of taking in as I am mostly under the bed finding aforementioned lost pen.   Arrrrrggggghhhhh!

I buy exactly the same amount of presents for all my children.  I don't spend an equal amount. The children do not care about how much money you spend they just care that their brother / sister doesn't get one more than them.  So, this causes me another headache because it is imperative that I get it right.  I cannot have one child with one less present.  Imagine the heartache that would cause...

This year I put up my tree only to find that I didn't  like it anymore.  It looked pathetic, sad and lonely.  So, I made The Husband take me to Homebase to purchase a new 7ft effort.  I also bought new baubles and tinsel.   Did you know that you now have to attach your own thread to the bauble just so you can hang the bloody thing on the bloody tree.  How hard does it all have to become?  In the good old days baubles used to come pre - threaded so you could just "hang and go".  I want "hang and go" back.  The amount of swear words used in our house as we all sat trying to thread bloody thread through the bloody hook on the bloody bauble, was terrible.   It took the fun right out of it.  We all had bauble rage...

Then I have to find time between work and general day to day living to fit in a massive Christmas food shop.  I collect savings stamps throughout the year so my food shop costs me nothing on the day.  I can buy turkey, veg, chocolate, booze, more chocolate, more booze and I don't have to pay a penny.  I always thought saving stamps were a bit cotterish but I wouldn't do it any other way now. I also wonder why I buy two ton of food for two days.  Its idiotic.  But you wouldn't NOT do it!

This Christmas Eve we are all going out for dinner.  The whole family.  So, I will be anxious whilst at the restaurant worrying whether , when I finally get home, I will have enough time to take the mountain of presents down the stairs to make it look like Father Christmas did visit.   Then I drink too much to counteract the stress, get a bit squiffy, spend far too much time giggling at the absurdity of it all and not enough time half eating the carrot, spilling the milk on the floor and smashing up the mince pie all in the name of Father Christmas.

Stockings all need to be quietly placed in all rooms to ensure no one is woken up.  And I have had a drink, and I am giggling more as I stumble about throwing stockings everywhere. We then work like a little conveyor belt lugging the presents from the bedroom to their final destination in the lounge. 

When its all done and you finally sit down exhausted and tipsy, you take stock.

The reason we do it is the look of pure excitement the children give you when they realise on Christmas morning that "he" has been, squeals of delight from them when they open their gifts.  The peace and quiet for five minutes whilst they enjoy playing with their presents.  The chat and laughter when you all sit down for Christmas dinner, wearing stupid paper hats, enjoying the crap plastic toys from the cracker, pretend laughing at the cracker jokes and eating far too much food.   The evening, slumped, full of food and drink, in the lounge playing Charades (or as we still call it "Give us a clue"....)

THATS why I do it.  THATS why I love it. 

I love being on the Christmas Express to stressville.  I don't want to get off...

Decision

I have today decided that I am taking a stand about people telling me how I should live my life.  I feel as an adult I can make decisons for myself thank you very much.

I feel it is not necessary for the government to tell me I am a binge drinker and therefore  take away my "buy one get one free" option at the supermarket on a Friday night.  I am 37 years old.  I know I am a binge drinker.  I am good at being a binge drinker and I want to binge drink for as cheap as possible.  Charging 45p a unit to alleviate binge drinking is harsh and makes me annoyed, but it wont make me stop.  

What specifically annoys me is that these decision have been taken out of my hands and I have no choice but to accept them.

If you want to smoke, smoke. I don't , but if you want to char your lungs to dried up prunes, so that you can no longer breath to full capacity, do it.   Do the goverment have to pass a law to make it illegal for shops to place them on a shelf in full view of everyone?   Just because you can no longer see them are you going to stop buying them?  Maybe it will deflect children from picking up the awful habit but do we have to alter our own adult lives to ensure that no child in the UK smokes again? 

I love food and I eat too much of it.  In twenty years time I dont want to be told the NHS will no longer treat me because I tried eating myself to death.  I am aware that being overweight is dangerous.  I am aware that eating a Macdonalds daily will make me the size of a house but I can still do it if I want.  I know that if my children sit and play computer games whilst eating pizza all day, every day they are probably going to be too obese to move and have to be airlifted from my home via a crane.    I know this.  I can still allow them to eat pizza and play computers if I want.  I appreciate not everyone has the capacity to make these decisions.     But, bloody hell ,do we have to take everything good away in favour of the small minority who don't.

I want to see my sons run competitive races in the school sports day.  Proper laugh themselves into a frenzy as their feet collapse through the well worn sack as they jump, breathless to the end.  I want to see them bite their tongue with concentration as they try and cross the line gripping their spoon with a REAL egg balanced on the end.  Not, as we currently do, throw a sponge imitation javelin that falls 2 inches from their feet, fifteen times, yawning all the while. 

I want them to play conkers.  I want them to use a corkscrew to pierce a hole in it and then thread an old school shoe lace through and then whack their knuckles whilst they launch their conker wildly at their opponent.  I want them to play cricket with a ball that doesn't resemble a washing up sponge.  Being a child is all about the rough and tumble, the fun and laughter.  The government will slowly take this all away until our children are frightened to do anything that resembles exercise.

I want to revert back to the good old days where common sense was allowed to take precedent over health and safety.  I want old people to be able to have gardens in their sheltered schemes without some "do gooder" telling them to remove it incase one of the planters falls on their heads.  I want our emergency services to be able to rescue someone in an emergency before having to carry out a full risk assessment potentially allowing someone to die. 

Mainly this situation makes me laugh because it's so ridiculous

 
But, seriously, who decided we could no longer be responsible enough to make our own decisions?

 I am not good at being told what to do.  I am less good at being forced into doing something I dont want to do.  I want it all to stop, today please.

I am going to take a stand.  However, I haven't yet made a decision on how I am going to do this......

Don't

I have thought long and hard about writing this post.  It has taken me days to put together as opposed to my usual ten minutes.  I am sure that there will be repercussions for what I am about to write.  I am not even sure if I am going to publish yet, but if you are reading this then I guess I decided I would.

I'm tired, exhaused even of always being the person in the wrong.  Always being the internet stalker, always being the abuser, always accepting responsibility and apologising for my actions.  Never having the word "sorry" said back to me. 

So, here's my story....(it's a long one)

I met Jurgen 6 years ago.  Roman, my third boy, was four months old.  Jurgen's wife left him four months before I arrived on the scene.  I knew quite quickly that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jurgen.   There was no decisions made between us it was just natural turn of events that he moved in, we got engaged and subsequently got married.  There aren't many times that we are not together.  Apart from when we are at work.  Where you will find one of us, generally you will find the other.  I like this way of life.  I don't feel overcrowded by him.  I am not controlled into behaving this way.  There is no other person that I want to be with alongside our children. 

Jurgens mum had chosen to put Jurgen in a childrens home when he was a boy.  The awful thing was, she chose to keep his sister with her.  I know Jurgen still has massive issues surrounding this rejection from his very own mother, who wouldn't? So, I was aware from the beginning of his family feuds.  In the January after we had been together 6 months, I , a single parent at the time, paid for us all to go over to Spain, where his mum now lives,  for him to build some bridges.  I took the whole family and stayed in a dump in Salou.  My mum babysat my children whilst Jurgs and I travelled the hour or so to his mums town to meet up with her and hopefully clear the air.  (THE only reason I went was because I had to drive the hire car)  We met at his sisters house.  I knew instinctively I was never  going to like her, the moment I saw Jurgens difficulty around her.  He apologised for the way he looked.  He was anxious, he had no confidence.    She gave us a grand tour of her modest home but yet she didn't offer us a cup of tea.  Rude.  She talked down to us both.  She said how we should have gone all inclusive in Salou as if it was our one great holiday of the year.  I didn't have the heart to tell her it was merely a means to an end, this break, and I was off to the Turks and Caicos in May.  I allowed her to patronise me.  I asked when we were going to meet up with his mum.   Then the bombshell.    His mum and stepdad, who knew we were coming, had gone out for the day.  We had travelled to Spain to see them and they had gone out for the day!  Its obvious to me now that meeting me was too soon after his marriage break up.  I know that now.  But perhaps a text saying don't come over would have been more polite than going out for the day.  Its dispicable behaviour and I will never forgive it. 

Not long after we returned, Jurgen received a letter from the  bailiffs saying they were going to his house and documenting goods to the tune of approx £7,000. His sister had apparently bought a car on a credit card belonging to his mum and then just didn't bother to pay for it.   When his sister moved to Spain she gave her forwarding address as Jurgens.  Talk about red rag to a bull.  I forwarded to the debt collecting agency the name and address of his mum in Spain, along with a letter to the unsuspecting stepdad regarding the deceipt going on behind his back.  I really didn't think at this stage that they would be my best friends and who would?  I don't apologise for this.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  However, I am sure that they will never forgive me for this.  Swings and roundabouts.

I never really knew anything about his ex wife as I always thought she was letting us get on with our lives.  She wasn't.  Little did I know but she had been writing on a public chat forum called Mumsnet.  She has been slating Jurgen for well over a year but now I was a target because I was his new girlfriend. 

A complete stranger sent Jurgen a link to the website after one particular vile attack that they didn't agree with and hence my obsession with the site started. 

I childishly started to retaliate by commenting on my Facebook status to her accusations.  Thus started a facebook war!  We were BOTH as bad as each other.  Eventually she sent me a massive long email documenting everything abusive Jurgen had done to her in their relationship.  I responded to this email with everything great he had done for me.  Thus started an email war.  She complained to her friends on Mumsnet that I was stalking her and sending her threatening emails. Yes, stalking on a public forum!  They all advised her to go to the police and report me for stalking.  But we both  knew that that wasn't going to happen.  No one would "do" me for stalking when she initiated the contact and resonded likewise to every email.  She would have been laughed out of the police station and she knew it.  But being honest and admitting her part in the emails would have meant she couldn't play the "victim". 

I read everything chronologically on Mumsnet and it took over my life for far too long.  But I defy anyone not to become obsessed with a complete stranger documenting on a public forum every detail of your life. Luckily for me when you read something that intently about one person you start to recognise the inconsistencies that no one else does.  The dishonesty became evident. 

I read about Romans adoption.  About how Jurgen should never be allowed to adopt him and how SHE should have the final decision who parented MY son, after all, she was the mother of his children....I also  read complete strangers pitying my son for having atrocious parents like Jurgs and I.  Complete strangers.  Its was heartbreaking.

I watched my husband crippled with pain when he read her account of his dad's death.  She never knew his dad but commented on Mumsnet that he died a lonely loser, in a squalid flat in Amsterdam of a drugs overdose.  Simply not true. He sobbed in my arms that night and I would have done time for murder.

My most painful read was just after the death of my ex husband.  She had obviously read my Facebook status about his passing and the subsuequent comments from my friends of sympathy.  She then started a thread on Mumsnet "pretending" it was Jurgen that had died.  This thread went on for 6 WHOLE DAYS.  She was gaining sympathy on the back end of my ex's death.  Again, complete strangers were calling me horrific names about the fact that I hadn't informed her that HER EX HUSBAND had died.  It was appalling.  She fed off that attention on the back end of my childrens grief.  I was enraged beyond belief.  Whilst I was struggling with the grief of my children I was walking around a raging maniac at Jurgens ex wife. It was an horrific time and I let my children down by letting my internet obsession take me away from them at their time of need.  And I will never forgive her for that.

I have had emails sent to my place of work trying to lose me my job, twice.  Luckily my HR department are aware of this feud and take it all in their stride.  But who would try and lose you your job?  Who would try and take your livelyhood away when its the only thing that keeps a roof over your children's head? 

I have done things too though.   But here's why I am different.  I accept I have done appalling things and let my anger overtake my sense of what's right and what's wrong. 

The first birthday card we sent to his daughter contained a letter to his ex.  Jurgen felt the need to vent some of his anger and so we sent a shitty letter.  With hindsight it wasn't appropriate to send with a birthday card for his daughter but we both knew that whilst we live and breath his daughter doesn't actually get to see the birthday cards.  I am not stupid.  I know that. 

We send money for their birthdays.  She complains tirelessly that we dont support the children but the cheques we send go uncashed.  We pay little through the CSA but my wages are not taken into account and we have offered to pay more directly to them but this has been refused.  So, the complaining is just consistent with her "victim" mentality.  The hypocrisy is rife too.  His ex wife in question and Jurgen ensured that as a couple they never paid a penny to the CSA for Jurgens children from his first marriage.  Not a penny.  REFUSED to pay a penny.  But yet now I am the lowest of the low because I dont pay her the megabucks she thinks she deserves.  It makes my blood boil.  I get why she would be mad that she doesn't receive enough money from Jurgen to support their children.  I do.  But, be reasonable.  When YOU never paid to support his other children why would you then act to viciously? 

I also sent a really shitty email to his sister on the back end of her trying to lose me my job.  But I only ever sent one unprovoked (well I say unprovoked but she did try and lose me my job)   I had been drinking and she had again unblocked me on Facebook so I fired one off.  It was nasty.  I agree.  But the very next day I sent another one apologising.  I was mortified by my own behaviour and disgusted that I had allowed myself to stoop to her level. 

Together we also sent a shitty letter to the ex's mum.  Full of print outs of all the nasty bitchy things she had said about her family on Mumsnet.  Yes, its not only us that she slags off over the internet.     We were, by this point at our wits end.  We had received an email from one of HER friends, a complete stranger to us,  it contained verbal abuse of the highest order , nasty nasty comments about his parenting skills, his family, his apparent ugliness.  Again, it was horrific.  I did write a Facebook status asking for an apology and left it a week before writing the letter but she chose, again, not to accept responsibility so I sent the letter I had warned her I would.  If only she could have said sorry.  I am sure she will never forgive me for that.  She later said on Mumsnet that they all laughed and commented how thick we both were.  She obviously tells her own mum to her face the contempt she feels for her.  So, no harm done in my eyes. 

His sister blocked us on Facebook but then created more accounts to stalk and harrass us.  Mellissa Uot and Daisy May being two "friends"  I didn't ever know existed. 

I thought I would try Twitter.  What harm can come to me on there?  Well, there starts a whole nother story!  Needless to say the bullying has not stopped.   The following pictures occured within the last two weeks.  However, it had NOTHING to do with the ex. NOTHING. I have no idea why she got involved. She complains that she wants us to leave her alone but she thought she would tweet the messages below knowing that we could see them. Its bullying. I am not a "freak" and I am not "thick" and I certainly don't hate myself. But these are all bullying statements. One thing I have learned that every "situation" to a bully is an opportunity. 

 

 

 I never contacted his sister at all. Still haven't to this day. This is her commenting on things that I have already said. I have never responded directly to her. I have only ever tweeted her to ask her to leave me alone. She frightens me a lot. 

It doesn't matter how you dress this all up, its bullying.  I am equally as guilty for responding.  But I never initiate these things I am just really bad at reacting to it.    I need to learn to ignore.  I need to learn to be bigger and better.  I am loyal to my family and will always fight to protect them but if you don't fuel the fire then it eventually goes out.

Social Networking is the devils work.  We all know that.  There isn't one of you that hasn't looked up an ex and laughed at their new "uglier girlfriend/ boyfriend"   Mocked their lifestyle.  Or been inwardly fuming as they excel without you.  Jealousy is a bad trait and we all know it exists but its when you choose to take it that step further that it becomes a problem.  The distress and hurt you cause is immeasurable.

I no longer read Mumsnet.  Genuinely.  Its an atrocious site and as a parenting network I find it unhealthy.  And it threatened my relationship with Jurgen, because I took my anger out on him time and time again. 
I hardly ever use Facebook - its safer that way.

I have been at the bottom of the barrell.  I have been the single parent with not enough money to buy a loaf of bread.  I have done all that and bought the very cheap tshirt.  But, I am luckier now.  More financially secure, in a safe relationship.  I am proud of what my life has become and I dont want to hide it or feel bullied into coming off Social Networking sites that I enjoy because someone thinks they can bully me into doing so.

If you want to stalk, do so.  It's of no consequence to me at all.  I'm immensely flattered that my life is that interesting.  But, when you step over the line and make it personal, that I can no longer tolerate.  I will not react.  Not again.  But, when you are doing it, think of the damage you are doing.  Think of my children who watch it from the outside and seriously cannot understand it all.   Think of someone else but yourselves for a change. 

For the record, my husband has NEVER financially, sexually, emotionally or physically abused me.  NEVER.  Kind of odd don't you think because the  Mumsnet mantra suggests an abuser is like a leopard and never changes it's spots.    The important thing is this.  Those who know us, our true friends and relatives know this.  We are happy in the knowledge that strangers can think what they like.  Its the opinions of the one's that know us that matters.  I think its plain to everyone who knows us how happy Jurgs & I are as a couple.  As a family. 

So my message to you is PLEASE, before you send the email , text, status or tweet   "DON'T"   Just don't.....

Because if you don't then I most certainly won't.

Fallen

My grandad served in the armed forces in World War II.  

When I was about 8 years old I remember doing a project at school about the war and I interviewed him about his experiences but he didn't open up much and really gave me nothing to go on.  I embellished his account of events and promptly forgot all about it.

With Rememberance Day this Sunday,  I started chatting to my mum about it.  I told her he never really talked about the war and his experiences. 

I learned that he was taken prisoner in Italy in 1942/ 1943 and my nan never heard from him again until the end of the war.  She wasn't sure if he was dead or alive.   

Whilst he was a prisoner of war his told by the Germans that he was to  help to make bullets.  Apparently him and all his regiment flatly refused to do such a task and told them they would rather die than to make bullets that would kill their allies.   Reluctantly the Germans agreed and they ended up sewing parachutes or something similar. 

When the final days of the war came, his regiment were moved from the camp and marched onwards.  They knew that the war was over because one by one the German officers fled and they were finally picked up and taken to safety by the Americans.

To his dying day he never really talked about it again.  My mum told me that he had seen so many horrors that he didn't want to relive it and he certainly didn't want an impressionable 8 year old to know such things went on.

As much as I agree to his sentiment it pains me greatly that there is so much that went on in his life that we will never know about.  So much that we should know about.  So much that we should NEVER FORGET.

I am incredibly proud of my grandad and what he did for this country.  And I will be marking my place for the two minute silence on Sunday.  I implore you all to do the same.

Honouring our soldiers is all Sunday is about to me.  Its not about whether you agree with war.  I strongly disagree with the conflict in Afghanistan but I thank the stars every single day that there are people, braver than me, who are prepared to fight for Queen and country.

Its an issue I am passionate about.  It's an issue I teach my children to be passionate about.  We buy poppies every year and as much as they only last for less that a day on the childrens coats they are aware why we are buying them and for me, what the sentiment means.

Sunday should not be made into a political issue.  Its just a day where we can show our respect.  Where we can say thank you to soldiers past and present who have put their lives on the line so that we can have the freedoms we are so very lucky to have.

I will be paying my respects tomorrow for our active serving heroes and for our heroes who have fallen along the way.  Please.  Please.  May you do the same. 

Judge

So, half term is coming to an end.  For once in my life I am saddened by this.  I have really enjoyed having time off work and spending quality time with my children. 

 

 

When I worked in Communicare I worked shifts.  Three 12 1/2 hour shifts per week which consisted of days and nights. Most weeks I picked up at least one overtime so it meant working in excess of 50 hour weeks.    I have recently changed jobs and I now work  9 - 5   Monday to Friday, with no possiblity of overtime.   It has changed my life completely.

I am no longer walking around in a haze of knackerness. I am much more financially settled so far less financially stressed .  I am home every evening to do homework, reading, cooking a meal and sitting around the dinner table chatting about the days going's on.    I am less tetchy in general because I love my job and I am less exhausted.  I have finally managed to change my lifes routine and alter my life to accommodate a "normal" job. 

My mum and Jurgen cover the main crux of the childcare between them.  I am very lucky.  But I miss my children.  I miss being away from them for that amount of time but then I explain to them if they want holidays, Father Christmas to visit etc then I have no choice but to work.  Its no fun explaining to a three year old that really I need to pay the mortgage!

I have had problems this week with abusive messages from Jurgens sister.  I can take it.  It makes me as mad as hell that she does it but she's no threat to me.  However, she always slags of my parenting skills.  

Its a sensitive issue, parenting. 

In my opinion its the one issue that you can discuss behind someones back but not actually say to their face.  NO ONE wants to be told that their parenting is shit.  If you see someone's child having a screaming hissy fit, you think in your head " I wouldn't let my child do that!"  but if you were to say it to their face you probably would lose your front teeth.   We all deal with parenting differently.  That's life.  There is no right way or wrong way.  Its how you choose to parent that makes it work for you. 

I'm a really laid back mum.  BUT, I have certain rules and regulations that if you break you are in a world of shit.  My children know instinctively when they have gone too far.  I don't have to think about smacking  because there simply is no need.  My children know when I have the "look" they back off and think twice. 

I am really close to all my children so I must be doing something right.

Being the mum to a teenager is my most challenging role yet.  My oldest, Connor, came home paraletic at the weekend.  I was away and my mum cleared up his sick and put him to bed and periodically checked on him through the night.  I was aware that it was all going on but couldn't do anything to help.  The next day I talked to him.  Just like an adult.  I explained how stupid he was and how I didn't want him to do it again anytime soon,  but am aware that he probably will.   My theory on teenage years, its about remembering how I was as a teenager.   Shouting and hollering isn't going to stop him doing it.  Making sure I know about it and ensuring that he is safe at all times will help when he is doing it. 

Other people wouldn't accept that their 15 year old was drinking.  And that's ok also.  Its a minefield and you stumble along the best you can.

My daughter has had problems with other girls in her school.  I won't have it.  If you pick on my daughter I will ensure, through the proper channels, that you won't do it again.   I will make sure she doesn't go to bed crying at the thought of going to school the next day.  Its my job - as her parent. 

I am lucky to be in a settled, happy marriage.  Its so much easier having someone to discuss the issues with, someone to make the decisions with.    Jurgs and I  discuss everything.  We wont let one have a sleepover unless we  have discussed it first. 

I have spent quality time with my children this week.  Having family days out.  Sitting on the kitchen floor playing cars.  Singing silly songs.  Walking up the farm.  Playing silly games.  Making pumpkin soup together and Trick or Treating.  I'm ashamed to say that its been a long time since I have done this.  Far too long.  Its been an eye opener for me this week and I have remembered just how brilliant being a mum can be. 

I have had Roman and Mattias screaming and shouting at each other. 
Mattias : "Mum, he keeps calling me Keith Lemon!"
Roman : "Mum, he keeps calling me Louie Spence!"
They are articulate and hilariously funny.  But I appreciate that they can sometimes be naughty.   

I have been a single mum, working two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.  But sometimes money is not enough.  Spending time with them is. 

Having children is a privilege not a right.  And I will be eternally thankful that I have 5 beautiful, healthy children who mean the world to me.

Let my children be the judge of my parenting.  Let them speak to me about the issues that they have.  Not you. 
 

Sex

Not as glamorous as it sounds I'm afraid....

My mum took Skye to the cinema last night.  I dropped them off and arranged to pick them up 2 hours later.  "Hope Springs" they were watching.  Its a 12a so all was cool.

No, actually, all was not cool.

1/2 hour later I get a phone call asking for me to pick them up.  I was a bit baffled because I didnt realise the film lasted no longer  than it takes to finish a box of popcorn.... my mum was a bit tearful too which was strange.

It turns out "Hope Springs" the 12a film by mum thought she would take her granddaughter to see was no better than a soft porn film. 

Now, bear in mind my mum is very very old school.  We are more like best friends than mother and daughter but we don't talk about sex.  We are both aware it happens but don't feel the need to discuss the finer details.  I am happy with that.   "Hope Springs" is, apparently, about an aging couple who are having trouble in the bedroom department and go for some sort of counselling sessions to allow them to be "demons in the sack."   Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones star.    The oddest idea for a film anyway because seriously who wants to see old people doing the do?  Doesn't float my boat.  My mum and Skye thought it was a "romcom".

Needless to say my mum was mortified.  Skye was hugely embarrassed and they walked out after seeing Meryl Streep rub Tommy Lee's leg up and down seductively whilst lying on their kingsize bed.....

Maybe we are at fault for not doing our homework but surely, rated 12a, you don't need to worry about the conversation of the day turning to oral sex? 

Who decides that this viewing is suitable for children?  Since when did it become ok to allow our children to watch this kind of crap?

I am genuinly not a prude.. I have read 50 Shades Of Grey.... and was suprised at how gratuitous and unnecessary it all was.  It doesn't excite me it actually quite bores me.   Skye was asking if she could read it.  I told her she wouldnt understand it and she couldn't read it until she had grandchildren of her own and I had to ban my mum outright because I couldnt have looked her in the eye again...

Sex is everywhere.  We use it to sell cars, clothes, shoes and everything in between.  Our soaps are a hot bed of gay/ lesbian/ heterosexual sex daily and why?  Who cares if Saed is shagging Chris or Chris is kissing John, or John is sleeping with Martha.  

  I occasionally sit and watch a programme with Connor about say,  corrupt police officers, and then out of the blue a sex scene straight out of Debbie Does Dallas.....its not "cool" or "retro" Its tedious....

Parents no longer have to sit their teenager children down and have the "talk" because you know that their experiences and knowledge is way better that yours.  When did that happen?  My mum bought me a book and we had "the talk".  Today, Connor would laugh in my face and probably tell ME a thing or two. 

Children should remain innocent for as long as they possibly can.  Parents should be responsible for making sure our children remain innocent for as long as they  possibly can.

Its the loss of innocence in our children that is one of the  fundamental problem in today's society, in my opinion. 

Downton Abbey is a brilliant, beautifully scripted programme and I remarked to Jurgen yesterday that it would have been a lovely era to live in.   Everything was simple and dare I say it again, innocent.  There was a right way to behave and a wrong way to behave and it worked.   

There is no need to sexualise our children.  We need to reign it in so that my mum doesn't cry in shame when she takes her granddaughter to the cinema. 

We all know it goes on but the most apt place for sexual encounters on TV is behind closed doors whilst you let your imagination do the work.   

My daughter, Skye, is 13.  She may try and act big and pretend in her heart that she's worldy and wise.  But she's a child.  And as long as she lives in my house we will always be
"No Sex Please We're British".





 

Want

I have had a couple of incidents happen to me in the last few days and I have realised that our capacity as a society to be quick, efficient and helpful has gone right out the window.

Let me explain....

I wanted to cancel an insurance policy yesterday for my Smart car.  I thought the premiums were too high and wanted to shop around. All insurance companies now presume that you automatically want to renew and leave the onus on you to cancel or face charges.    So, for the first time in my unorganised life,  I phoned RAC insurance to simply cancel the renewal.  After at least 10 minutes of "security questions",  I advised I would like to cancel the policy.  Simple, right?  Errrr no.

 I have to  explain WHY I want to cancel the policy.   Erm,  because I want to.  Then I have to go through the existing policy details ( which only has a WEEK left  to run) for no apparent reason that I can gather,  to ensure that they had all the correct details?  I told the advisor, sorry no, you must have misunderstood me,  I just want to cancel the renewal.   But apparently you can't do this unless you go through the details of the existing policy.   What?  Why?  Jesus.  How hard does this have to be?  . After a heated debate on the finer points of the shitness that is RAC insurance she agreed to cancel the renewal.

Today I bought  a new car.  I had signed up for finance and it was accepted but I had to provide some documentation.  Fair enough.  So, utility bills.  Who has utility bills in the 21st century when everything is done online?   I took the council tax bill but this is dated March and so is too old.  I had nothing else. Seriously nothing.  The finance is with Santander.  Not a problem, I tell the car salesman.  I have 4 accounts, a mini cash ISA, a mortgage and a credit card with Santander.  Sorted!  My name is the most unusual name in the whole wide world.  They will know me and it will all be approved.   Errr no. Santander tell me I was taken off the electoral role in 2009 .  No, I cry,   I vote,  that cannot be true.  And anyway I have billions of accounts with you and an unusual name.  SEARCH ME!!!!  Needless to say that tomorrow I have to go to the council and get a revised council tax bill to say that I live where I live with the date Sept 2012 on it.   Seriously, I despair.

My favourtie have to be calls from marketing/ selling companies, who phone me at my home, wanting me to buy something but won't proceed with the call until I complete security questions.  Jesus Christ Almighty.  You phoned me!  Why would I even want to prove who I am?  Piss off and leave me be...

My son, Roman, is dreadful at writing.  Really dreadful.  He is left handed and gets his letters backwards and really struggles.  I worry myself sick.  Does he get extra support from the school?  Errr no.  Its MY job to teach him to be a genius in the letter writing department.  There is a reason I chose not to be a teacher.  I have no patience.  I am ready to become an axe murderer after the 18th time of asking him with clenched teeth to write a B and he writes a D.  God, give me strength.  My son, is going to be illiterate and its going to be my fault.   I do a ton of homework with Roman, nightly, but would really appreciate the school teaching him to read and write.

Talk Talk are my internet provider.  Occasionally I lose internet access for long periods of time.  So, I phone them to find out what the problem is.  To my disgust they want me to get down on my hands and knees with screwdriver in hand and single handedly take apart my internal wirings and self diagnose the bleeding fault?  I have less than no clue about technology and I pay a small fortune for their service.    I will rewire the whole bloody street with all the internet technology you want but put me on the bloody pay roll.  Don't presume I want to be a volunteer Talk Talk engineer.

So, you get my point.

Everything in today's society is hard work, laborious and tiresome.

I want easy.  I want simple.  I want quick.  I want efficient.

But like my good old nan said "Now you know what it's like to want".....

Free

With yesterday's neighbour debacle still raw in my mind.  it made me think about people's perceptions, in today's society, of what is considered right and wrong.

I was really angry yesterday when my neighbour decided to light a bonfire at 1o'clock in the afternoon.  It was beautiful sunshiny day  and  both me and another neighbour had all our washing out and all our windows open.   I wouldn't have been over the moon but if he had asked me if it was ok for him to do this I would have at least been aware and shut my windows and brought my washing in.   It amazed me how someone would think that this was acceptable behaviour.  How someone could have so little regard of anyone else astounds me but I am finding it more and more frequent.

I had problems with the same neighbour recently continuously parking outside my garage making it impossible for me to drive my car in, let alone out.  At the time I wasn't aware who it was that was parking there so had to leave notes on the car asking them, politely, not to block access to my garage.  I also put a sign on the garage asking for 24 hour access, all to no avail  This car continued to park there.  So, in the end I left a slightly more nasty note which she promptly took to the police and I had to explain why I felt the need to behave in this manner.   The police could "understand my frustrations"but couldn't quite see what made me so annoyed.  When I confronted her about the parking situation she cockily told me she could park where she liked as it was a public highway.  I explained that she was making it impossible for me to use my garage with which she shrugged and said she couldn't care less.  I was astounded.

I am very conscious of manners and its something that I instill in my children but it concerns me that society as a whole is no longer concerned with basic manners so as time goes on it will become a thing of the past.

On the school run, the access gate to the school does not stay open and needs to be held open for the next person to go through.  Many a time, my son has been caught holding the gate open and often its the adults who saunter past without saying "thanks".  It makes my blood boil.  

I loathe people who don't indicate at mini roundabouts.  Its thoughtless.  I loathe people who don't say thanks when you hold a door open for them.  Its thoughtless.  I loathe people who park over two parking spaces at a car park.  Its thoughtless.   I loathe people who park in front of garages.  Its thoughtless.  I loathe people who light bonfires on sunny afternoons. Its thoughtless.

There are a lot of people who's expectations of manners are lower than mine.  I understand that.  I won't give my children food or drink without a "please" and "thank you" and it's very rare that they ask now without saying it.  I have taught them to say "sorry" so that if they bump into  someone of hurt someone its an automatic reaction to apologise and it works.  They say it naturally.

When we travel, I see people physically roll their eyes when they realise they are sitting next to the huge family of young children presuming their journey is going to be a nightmare.  But, I usually get thanked at the end of the journey when it turns out my children are quite quiet, polite and well behaved.  I'm not bragging but I want my children to treat others the way that I want to be treated and I have massively high expectations.....

I genuinley think the world would be a better place if more people were considerate of others.  My job mainly consists of tackling noise nuisance complaints and yet again, I am astounded at how massive this problem is and how insconsiderate people are.   It is now necessary to employ people in social housing to deal with this issue alone.  Wow, can you believe that?

I think road rage would be a thing of the past if people put their hand up by way of apology when you pull out in front of someone, or similar.  We are all guilty of it at times but it's when you do it and you apologise maybe the person won't tailgate you for the next mile, flashing their lights and generally having a coronary and wanting to rip your throat out.  Just a thought.....

Like my late dad said.  Manners are free.   I am always aware of this.  It starts with your children.  Teach them the art of manners and we are half way there to a nicer society.

Love

With the prospect of an 11,000 strong housing estate being built opposite where I live I felt the need, this week,  to write to my local paper expressing my concern and advising my views on why development on this scale is a bad idea.

Housing is a major problem.  I get that.  More houses are needed for our ever growing population.  I get that too.  But honestly, no one wants the next massive housing estate to be built on their own doorstep.

 My letter to the paper was based on the fact I am opposed to the development on Manydown.   What frustrates me, is that residents of Basingstoke, who have had similar plans drawn up to develop on open fields where they live have fought against their development, but in the process actively promoted Manydown as a substitute site.  The hypocrisy in that makes my blood boil.  I don't want Manydown to be built on but I would never actively promote another site because, you guessed it, that would make ME the hypocrite.  I loathe this "not in my back yard" generation of people. 


I worry about the future for my children. I am resigned to the fact that most, if not all of my own children will be living with me until the end of time because there simply won't be the houses to accommodate them.  Or what houses there are will be far too expensive for young people to buy. 


 I bought my first house when I was 20.  With hindsight I am so glad I did because with house prices the way they are now, I wouldn't be able to afford to get on the housing ladder.   I am now seriously considering buying a second "buy to let" home just so that when my children get older they can rent a house from me, and gain some independence and in a round about way help them to get on the housing ladder.  They need this help from me because I cannot think of anyway they will be able to do it for themselves.  


Mass production of houses, like those that would be built on Manydown will create the homes required.  But will they build schools?  Doctors?  Dentists? Shops? Or will the already faltering public services just have more pressure added to them.  I also concern myself about the drainage systems.  Will they be adequately built or will they all feed into our existing drain system creating a massive surge of shit.  Before you know it you will wake up to the crap of an unknown neighbour gracing your lawn and hoping to christ it doesn't come over your threshold.  Trivial? Maybe.  But with new build developments keeping costs down is the key.   


I am concerned the government are bringing back the "right to buy" in the social housing sector.  I don't understand how decreasing the numbers of houses available to those that really need them is beneficial.  If you are earning enough to buy a house then you should be encouraged to buy from the open market keeping social housing in place for those that need it.  If the "right to buy" scheme is brought back then before you know it social housing will be a thing of the past.  This is not a good idea. 


Perhaps we should look more at regenerating our current housing estates.  Knocking down older houses and building more, nice shiny new ones in estates that already exist is a win/ win for me.  It means that our tired, sometimes run down estates get back a new lease of life, a new sense of pride whilst providing more housing for everyone.  It works and should be encouraged.   Instead our local government want to wipe out the only green fields in the borough and develop, develop, develop.  


But, when all said and done, what do I know?  I'm a mum who is very concerned about the future of her children but, like with most things, you can have an opinion, but those in power have absolutely no interest in what that opinion is.

 I love Manydown.  I will continue to love it as long as there are no houses built on it.  But when the houses come  I simply won't love it anymore.

Communicare

I started working in Communicare in May 2003.   I have worked there for nearly 10 years and during that time developed a massive passion for my job and have enjoyed every minute of working there.  Today, due to government funding cuts, Communicare is closing.

They say as one door closes another one opens and for most of us in Communicare this is true.  We have all been lucky enough to have made choices that have enabled us to move on positively from this quite harrowing situation.  But, it amazes me how much a part of my life Communicare has become.

I realised that you  spend more time with your work colleagues than you do your own family.  And considering the long shifts that we all  worked , for the majority, we all got on and we all became members of an extended family.   My Communicare family saw me through the births of my children, a messy divorce, bereavement, meeting Jurgen, having more children, weddings...and the list goes on.   They have all worked harder to cover my maternity leave, we have all covered shifts due to annual leave and sickness and we all did it, mostly, with a smile.

I am immensely proud that I made the decision to work in Communicare and that my path has crossed with such great people.  In my opinion your life is predetermined and I was meant to meet these people and they all were meant to have an impact on my life.  I have laughed with you all, sometimes hysterically.  I have cried with some of you.  I have had the hump with many of you.  But you are all my friends and I shall miss each and every one of you.

Today our new lives begin and I want to wish everyone the best of luck in whatever path they have chosen.  Communicare will be greatly missed, as the service we provided was first class and an essential part of the community.  Its a dreadful shame that this little known government funding cut will truly effect the lives of so many.

Tonight, we will drink, all together, for the first time.   I will raise a glass to Communicare and remember with fondness my life for the last ten years.  Its a scary thought, that I won't have my confort blanket of Communicare to see me through my next job but hopefully by the end of the night I will be too drunk to care!

It has been a pleasure ladies.  And I , for one, will be shedding a few tears today because it truly is the end of an era.

Glow

I am massive football fan, have supported Arsenal since I was knee high and, although very much an armchair supporter, I love it.  

With Euro 2012 in full swing and football on the TV every day I am currently living the dream.  I genuinely love nothing more when England are playing than getting the whole family around the TV.  We have a few beers and then continue to scream in both frustration and delight  for the entire match.

Granted, my daughter sits with a bemused expression.   Roman & Mattias  scream when I scream, enjoying being able to make that amount of noise without being told off.   Connor doesn't make a sound as he is so laid back he is horizontal and Arlo looks around the room wide eyed but appearing to love the commotion.   It brings a real sense of unity.  I love it.

There is no doubt, national sporting events bring people together.  Even if you don't particularly like the sport.  I became a cricket fanatic when England won the Ashes.  I had never watched it before or since, but I was a cricket expert for the whole time we were winning...  When England won the Rugby World Cup in 2003 I was, again, a fanatical supporter when, to be honest, I loathe the game and have absolutely no idea what is going on.

We are a country crazed with unity when events such as these occur.  I was overwhelmed with how many people turned out for the Queens Jubilee recently.  I was chatting with my mum about it and whilst watching the Jubilee concert on TV we remarked how in all that rain, we couldn't have been arsed to go to London and participate.  Good job that not everyone feels like we do.  The turn out was spectacular.  The sense of unity, amazing.  All for our Queen.  All for being British.

We are celebrating the Olympics in London this year.  And as much as the tax payer has hemorrhaged money to provide this, it will unite our country and make the world a happier place, even if only for a short while.

In a country wracked with financial crisis, unemployment and stark living conditions we still manage to become "one" and enjoy the hell out of a "do" in that great British tradition.


So, tonight, as England face the Ukraine, and wierdly "Roo" mania goes through the roof, get behind our boys.  Even if you hate footie.  Just try it.

Because, like me, it just might give you a little warm glow...

Aches

I have excruciating back pain this week.   I think I developed said back pain camping at the weekend and  sleeping on an air bed.   Its been so bad  that I have been eating pain killers like sweets and shuffling and wincing like an old person.

It made me realise that, regrettably, I am not getting any younger.  

Thats depressing isn't it?

 I remember back in the day when I would go out down the pub, get a bit tipsy and end up sleeping half standing, half slumped on the floor of an overcrowded mates bedroom, get up the next day slightly hungover but still able to do back flips all the way home.   Those days are well and truly over.  I never thought I would see the day when I had no choice but to be anxious about not having  a comfortable mattress so as not to get back ache and not having three pillows so as not to get neck ache.....the list goes on...

I need a new sofa as my current corner unit doesn't allow me to look directly at my wall mounted TV causing me to ache when I get up due to the position I have to sit to see the bloody telly.  

My knees hurt walking up stairs.  Not massively painfully but I am aware that they are groaning, carrying my body weight around and begging for me to sit down again.     The sudden realisation that these conditions are never going to really improve but slowly get progressively worse as I continue to age.  I am never again going to be that back flipping girl.

Its Mattias's birthday today and when you watch your children get older, all the time so excited about reaching the next milestone I want to sit them down and selfishly tell them about their future aching knees....

Its true when you are young, getting older is all you want to do.   But, when you are old getting older is not quite so exciting...

So,  I will shuffle around today organising things for Mattias to enjoy and take him out for his birthday meal  because as much as getting older in your body is not fun,  life becomes more fun the older I get.   I may not be able to back flip but I can always smile and laugh no matter how old I am.

Who'da thought that all that typing would make my fingers ache...

Blink

It is not often in life that events occur that really make you stop, think and take stock. 

 An event has occurred in our lives this week that have made us do exactly that. 

One of Jurgen's close friends unexpectedly but peacefully passed away this week leaving us both in a state of total shock.   She wasn't particularly unwell or vulnerable but went to sleep and never woke up.  What a beautiful way to embark on your next journey into the afterlife but what a trail of devastation is left behind.

Jurgen has been destroyed by this news and is doing all he can to get his head around it but it throws up questions that can't be answered, confusion and despair.  But most importantly it makes you reevaluate all that you have.  

We have talked and talked this week, since it happened, about death and the implications that it has on everyone.   Fundamentally we are all born to die but it is the approach of the unknown that is terrifying to us all.  

Are you ever afraid not to die?   To be honest I am more afraid of leaving Jurgen and my children behind.   God, who would do the bloody washing up...

Everyone always says after the death of a loved one "life is too short"  or "live each day to the full" .   Its not easy though, is it?    Life is sometimes mundane and repetitive and no matter how much you chant these mantra's it's way too easy to lose sight of the fact that today could be your last day gracing the planet. 

 I find myself analysing this way too much and more so this week.  

Jurgen and I spend every waking moment together when we are not at work.  Seriously.   We shop together.  We socialise together.  We spend every weekend together.   We don't go out anywhere without the other unless we are going to work.   What if tomorrow that was all to change? 

I am over obsessive about money.  I never spend anything I don't have.  I know exactly how much money I have and how much money I have to pay out.  I never pay bills late and I am never frivolous.  Why not?   Why can't I relax more because you can't take it with you!  There are a million and one reasons, aren't there, to live each day as if it was your last and maybe it's time I started taking that slightly more seriously.

So as a new years resolution starting half way through the year,  I am going to try.  I am going to try and relax a bit more.  Enjoy what I have as opposed to fretting about things that I can do nothing to change.  This week, I am going to appreciate Jurgen a lot more.  He is good to me.  Really good.  I need to let him know that I am aware how good he is.   I am going to appreciate my children for being the untidy, noisy, mischievous little darlings they are as opposed to letting those aforementioned traits wind me up into a frenzy.   Because life is too short.

And in the blink of an eye it can all so seriously change...

Thorny

The return of this beautiful sunshine and people migrate en masse to the back garden.  I am one of these people.  I automatically turn into Charlie Dimmock and become at one with nature.  Well, I say nature.. as long as it doesn't consist of animals, insects, birds or any form of green growy stuff..

This week has been no exception.  I firstly had to paint the entire side fence.   It was a long arduous task but removing  the colour of bright orange and adding a classier muted brown  was a success in itself.   I now don't need sunglasses in the back garden when its raining.  It made me realise that I miss that god awful smell of creosote in the summer.  Back in the 80's that was a common summer smell.  The one that made your eyes stream and the skin on the back of your throat melt.  I miss that.  I also miss white dog poo.....

My back garden is mainly consistent of bushes with free ranging minds of their own that no amount of gun fire could ever stop.  Kinda like the Terminator , the buggers will not die....
What possesses a person to plant bushes with three inch diameter stalks and thorns galore.  Bushes that are neither attractive nor useful, just plain bloody ugly and more dangerous than Charles Manson.  I kid you not, I fought to bring these bushes down.  I battled until my palms were blistered and my arms bled.  It was an heroic action.  When the last bleeder was down I felt like I had won a mini war and awarded myself the Military Cross.

Now if bonfire making was an Olympic sport I would be up there with the bronze medalists.  I am really alright at it.  It stinks and makes your eyes water but it is the cremation of the bloody bushes and, as morbid as that sounds, its satisfying.  Very satisfying,  

The bushes are now all gone.  Although I will probably be burning them until 2015 they are no longer roaming the earth.   I am ensuring, that this year we can sit in the back garden in this weather with good quality family time without losing at least one of the children in the bloody jungle that was my back garden.

Now all I have to do is move the huge "feature" rocks that litter the garden.  They are nothing but a trampoline inspectors health and safety nightmare.... they are so heavy that the only way they can be removed is if I let the "Worlds Strongest Man" competition take place in my back garden.

Each to their own and all that but "taste" is something you either have or you don't,  And this rock suggests my house was owned previously be people with no taste at all.

Anyway, must get on.  Have an award winning bonfire to make....

Serious

I have had a rough couple of weeks of late with family issues.  (Well, I say "family"  but to be fair, that is a massive overstatement.   Family, to me, suggests togetherness and all that jazz so yes, "family" is a massive overstatement. )

It got me thinking, more so this weekend,  as it was my daughter, Skye's, 13th birthday.   We had a party for her at the local community centre where about 60 of her friends turned up and, quite hilariously, danced the night away.

I was dreading it.

Funny, how I organise such events and then decide that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go through with it...but Skye had a fantastic time and for that reason alone it was sooooooo worth it.

One of my jobs as a mum is to provide her with great memories to take into her adulthood.  I do this the only way I know how.  I don't lavish massively on my children, finances simply won't allow it.  But, on special occasions I always try to go the extra mile.  This weekend was one of those special occasions.

I was chatting to Jurgen about this, this morning and he has no real special memories of his childhood.   He is not saying that they didn't happen, more that he doesn't remember anything specific.   That pains me greatly. I had a brilliant, loving childhood.  I grew up in a safe, secure household with lots of love and lots of laughter.   My world was rocked at aged 14 when I lost my dad to cancer, but those of us  remaining never lost that closeness we just learned to rebuild it with one massive part missing.  I am still very close to my mum now and she is more of a best friend than a mum and I thank her, mostly, for my parenting skills of today.

I idolise my children, and frequently tell them how much I love them.

 Jurgen and I deal with a lot of the parenting together and as much as we don't always get it right we try and try again until we do.  Jurgen is a step dad to my older two.  The hardest job in the world is being a step parent - he finds it difficult and sometimes a chore, but he tries so hard and in my eyes, is a success.   We instill time and time again that there will be no favouritism in this household.  There is no place for it among siblings and it a bad bad parenting trait if you favour one child over another, and as this is a subject close to Jurgens heart we simply have no place for it.    NEVER.

That aside  Jurgen isn't perfect, far from it.  And I am sure Jurgen's past will catch up with him in a Jeremy Kyle'esque fashion at some point.  We are ready for that and will deal with it head on.

Honesty is another of my compulsory traits.  And I always have taught my children you can lie all you like but you will get caught.  It may take days, months, years but you will always be caught.  End of.   That is not up for discussion.

My relationship with Jurgen is another learning tool for our children.   We are not some idealistic couple who only ever smile, skip everywhere,  and never say a cross word.  We argue, sometimes like cat and dog.   I have no qualms in standing up for something I believe in and neither does Jurgen and this sometimes involves disagreements.  I don't want my children to think that they cannot stand up for something they believe in.  There is nothing wrong in disagreeing with someone else's opinions.   Arguements do not equate to fights so what's the harm?  It is unrealisitic of me to expect my life to always be harmonious.  I am simply not built like that.  And I admire Jurgen for having the audacity to stand up to me!!   We are also demonstrative, but no overly so as to embarrass the children, but it is important to us to not be afraid to tell everyone we love them.

Parenting is a learning curve that never completely reaches its end.  Everyday I experience new challenges with my children and I don't always have the answers.   Sometimes its very trying and stressful but mostly its the most rewarding job in the world.  My older two have both suffered heartache at a young age when they lost their dad but we have worked on building them a future without him around as  best as we can.  And it seems to be working......

I love to laugh.   It's a predominant part of my personality.  I want to make others laugh and I like to be made to laugh.  Jurgen and I make each other laugh and that, together with our open lines of communication are what makes our realtionship rock solid.

But occasionally, like today,  I can be serious........

Flab

I have an abundance of this at the moment.  I have just had a baby but it is distressing carrying this excess weight about and I am uncomfortable with it.  Its a shame really that it should bother me at all but in today's "airbrushed" society you feel more of a pressure to look like Angelina Jolie whereas I am more on a par with Susan Boyle.....

I am also underwhelmed with this larger picture frame I have acquired for my face.  I call it a picture frame but I vaguely recall it being  referred to as a double chin in the fashion mags.

I don't own scales as I feel they are psychologically damaging.  And I never get how if you put them on carpet you weigh more but if you put them on a hard floor you weigh less.  I have spent hours wandering around the house finding the best position  where I weigh the least and pinpointing that place for future "weigh ins"  Even if it meant out in the back garden behind the rockery.  Surely weight is weight is weight?  How the bloody hell does a hard kitchen floor make you weigh 3 pounds less?   So, I have abandoned the scales and measure how well I am doing in the weight loss department by the size of  picture frame for face or  how loose my jeans are.

I exercise frequently.  I swim 3 miles a week.  And I cycle 6 miles a day.   Its addictive and one becomes obsessive.  I feel tetchy if I have to miss a day.  When I was at my weightiest I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without having a sit down and a fag half way up and now I get tetchy if I cant cycle 6 miles a day.....who'da thought it.....

 I recently invested in a new swimsuit.  Chlorine resistant, otherwise the arse falls out as the chlorine eats away at the fabric.  I bought the swimsuit in the size I wanted to be in my head.  There's a lot of "give"  in swimsuits so I thought that if was a bit too small it would stretch to accommodate and eventually it will fit once the flab has retreated.    I did think that it was a little tight over the hips when I tried it on AT THE POOL for the first time...I persevered and dragged it up the rest of my body, huffing and puffing  until it was finally on.   Looking down at myself I could tell  I looked the biz.  I strutted proudly to the pool  thinking Sharon Davies had nothing on me.  I swam my lengths.  Exiting the pool like Ursula Andress  of James Bond fame I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.   My bloody stomach was now hanging out of the back of the costume just under my arms.......the costume was so tight at the front my stomach had no where to go but out the back.....I looked like one of those mincing machines that squeezes meat out. It was horrific.

 That is why I don't want flab ......Its not cool and its certainly  not pretty.  It simply has no place in society.  It is a menace.   I for one am tired of kicking my stomach along in front of me.....it makes my ankles ache.

Forgetful

Get me....two posts in two days!!  Although it did take me 10 minutes to work out how to post.  And it make me think that with age certainly comes memory loss.

I am well aware that I can't remember my own name half the time.  It scares me at my age that I can start a sentence and genuinely forget half way through what the end of the sentence is.  Its alright when your talking to your children as they are not listening anyway,  but when its a work colleague or friend its mortifying.  Trying to scrape the cesspit of your memory to recall what it was you were actually talking about is painful.

I often wander aimlessly around the house knowing there was something I was supposed to do but failing miserably to remember what.  Looking around at inanimate objects hoping something, anything will trigger my memory.  It doesn't and I usually remember at 3 o'clock in the morning....

I lose my car keys daily.  Every time I lose them I swear that next time I will put them somewhere safe and the next time when I am searching for them  I think "next time I will put them somewhere safe".  And the cycle begins all over again....

My mum reckons that Sudoku will keep my brain active and due to this exercise my memory will stop failing but I bloody forget to do it.

I have five children and I am already calling all of them by every name but their own.  I have  been known to hold a conversation with one of the boys,  all the time calling him by the wrong name and not noticing it until the end of the conversation or until someone else points it out to me.  

During my whole pregnancy I blamed it all on the "baby brain" phenomenon that everyone talks about.  I got away with murder with that simple explanation but now there is no excuse.  I just don't remember.  Simple.

I can see myself sticking post it notes around the house just to gently remind myself what things are actually called.  And maybe I could get the children to wear name badges....

Its depressing really but there is no end in sight.  I have memory loss and its irreversible.

So, if I dont post for a few days you know that I have forgotten to.

Bloody hell

I have just read a friends blog on facebook and remembered this.  I had to google my blog title to remember which site I had set my account up on and being the techno phobe that I am it took me a good 20 minutes to remember by password. Another 20 minutes later and I had remembered  how to post!  

 I cannot believe I started this blog 16 months ago and only managed to post a handful of entries before life, yet again, got in the way.  

I am 37 now and have another baby!!  (Which surely gives me less time to blog so I am sure that this new found enthusiasm will only last for a day or two.)   Baby Arlo is 6 weeks old.    

He is gorgeous.   Parenting is a breeze when you have 5.  Nothing fazes me anymore and because of this  Arlo is so easy going.   He doesn't cry much and,  my theory is, that when you are confident as a parent your baby knows and the problems you experience with your first no longer exist.  

It helps massively having older children.  Connor and Skye are so good with him and help me when they can be arsed......Roman and Mattias tolerate him because they are now aware that he is staying and I am not sending him back to where ever it is they think he came from.

I am gonna try and blog again.  I really am.  I am also gonna have a bet with Jurgen to see how long this blogging malarkey will last.   He of little faith.  

I bet Jurgen wins.