I still think " young" and I don't think you equate thought to age. I always think that I am "down with the kids" when chatting to my own children as it doesn't seem that long ago, that I was making all the wrong decisions and champing at the bit to be able to have my first legal alcoholic drink. When I am dealing with " issues" with my older two I often quote this old adage "there is NOTHING that you can do that I haven't already done" and I mean that quite literally. I dont think they realise how literal I'm being, and all my school friends can testify to that too.... the point is although I am older I only feel like I am ten minutes older..
It has caused me some difficulty this turning 40 malarkey. I think its because life is passing me by at such high speed and before I know it I will be riddled with arthritis and reliving my youth on a daily basis. Because thats what happens with age - you digress.
I have been told not to worry about turning 40 because that when life begins. But I dispute this. Because does it? You amble through life and suddenly hit 40 and then all that shit changes and life becomes brilliant, more manageable? Or is it more luck than judgement?
Because looking back on my life I'd say life began when I had Connor at 21. I mean he was lovely and I was youthful and a mum and life was great. And then it suddenly came to a grinding halt. It started again when I had Skye but crashed and burned almost immediately. There have been varying degrees since, of my life " beginning" and then I found myself in that familiar cul de sac and I'd run out of petrol to turn my car around and drive out...
And now I realise, now that I have turned 40 that my life " began " when I met Jurgen. I found the other half of me. He made me complete and soldered everything else together. We became one huge family of particular disjointedness but it was bliss. I am where I want to be. Financially I dont have to stress myself out like I used to. Workily - I have a job that I love. Parentally I dont fret and shriek like I used to. I am much more laid back and calm because I understand all the "phases" of childhood and although they drive me mad at the time I know they will end. Eventually. I have nice, polite children and they dont tantrum. Because its just not our way. I dont say this in a braggy way (much) its just the way things are.
So life doesnt necessarily begin at 40. It begins whenever you bloody well want it to. And turning 40 is no big deal because in my head I am still cool and "hip" and thats really all that matters. Because, age is just a number. Isnt it?
I have been spoiled rotten for my 40th. I drive a Porsche with a private plate, I have had gifts and I am currently writing this blog while lording it up at Thornbury Castle in a proper castley type room. With high ceilings and windows that go on forever. And with complimentary sherry. And I drank some. Sherry? Me? And it didnt taste like shit. Crikey I am ageing....
I think my only fear of turning 40 is I dont want to be the old bird on the dance floor. I love to dance and am usually the first one up and the last one on. But I know I can't do it forever. Not really. Not if I want to keep a semblance of dignity. I worry that I am going to start to get too old to be the cool "Martines" dancer. That's what bothers me the most. And that makes me shallow. But I love how that is all I am worried about. I spent the whole of my 20's not being able to sleep because I was worried about everything. And then some.
So as I head into the next decade of my life with the best husband, the best mum, the best children and the best job the only thing I need to worry about is what I want for my 50th..
My life hasnt only just begun. I have been smashing the shit out of it since forever. I just wasn't grown up enough to realise that. Until now...
