Indispensable

I have a week off work this week.  I have really looked forward to being at home with my youngest.  I have missed doing the trivial issues that come with being a mum.  I have been trying  desperately hard to potty train Baby Arlo, doing the school run daily (which weirdly I miss the most)  and just being here for the children.  I am not struggling with their homework.   And so far it has been brilliant.

And then this morning...

I was sitting on the bed after the shower, drying my hair when I felt an elastic band type ping in my lower back and a wave of agony hit me.  I screamed out and lay down.  Confused and in pain.  The feeling of the "elastic band ping" made me feel weak and faint, the pain was unbearable. 

Jurgen came running and I asked him to help me up because I couldn't move myself.  He managed to get me to my feet and held onto me whilst I got my bearings.  I was in a lot of pain but I think once the shock wore off the pain became more manageable.

I could walk fine which was my primary concern.  I mean, I don't know why I thought I wouldn't be able to walk...but over dramatically (as I am prone) I did.  But I couldn't sit.  I could lie down but if I sat up the pain was no longer manageable.  So, I lay down for a while and considered my options...

I like to sit,  I'm good at it.  You watch TV sitting down, you socially network sitting down and I was thinking about how I would get through the day without sitting down.   It all became a bit too much.

Jurgen brought me paracetemol and I took them.  He told me that this would take the edge off it.  I finally managed to get up and downstairs and my movement slowly returned. 

Its weird because I don't, as a rule,  have things wrong with me, if you see what I mean.  I haven't had a day off sick from work since before I met Jurgen.  I am not very tolerant of ill people (which is a bad thing, I know) and all of a sudden here I was not being able to walk and sit properly. 

I do three exercise classes and swim 6 miles a week.  I jog or cycle daily and I eat healthily.  But no end of being healthy and trying to live properly helped me today. 

And I suspect now that on and off I will always have minor back difficulties. 

This evening I am able to walk easier, sit properly with only minor pain and I have even hoovered and cooked the dinner.  Jurgen offered to do everything but I am really anxious about stopping and allowing this to become an issue and everything seizing up and it all becoming very much worse.

I rang my mum to tell her and she told me to get myself to the doctors immediately because I could have done serious damage.  But anyone who knows me knows that I only go to the doctors if I have absolutely no other choice.   In my pregnancy with Roman I never went to the doctors once (stupidly) until I became really unwell and was diagnosed with pre eclampsia and rushed into hospital.  So I am not good at going to the doctors.  I have told my mum I will wait a day or two and then see how its going.  If I am honest I think I have been a diva and made a big fuss over nothing.

But that's the thing - you can never be too sure, can you?

I sometimes believe I am indispensable.  That nothing bad is going to happen to me health wise.  I guess we all feel like this until it does and then it makes you think.

There are people in a lot worse discomfort, pain and with serious illnesses that are life threatening and I am not taking that lightly.  Its just for me, today, I  realised that we are not indispensable.  That your whole life can change in a heart beat.  You don't know what tomorrow brings.

Because of today I am not going to start doing all the things on my bucket list.  I am not going to start to live every day as if it is my last.  But I do need to be more appreciative of that fact that these things CAN and DO happen. 

As I put my feet up (with some difficulty )this evening and watch TV and eat cake I am going to try be more appreciative of that.   And really try and forget the feeling of that pingy thing in my back going...

And I think that means I may just have to start slowing down a bit....