Beauty

Three weeks ago I stood in front of Skye and allowed her to take photo's of me in my bra and knickers from the front, side and back.  The horror that came from looking at these photo's was enough for me to start the torture that is bootcamp.

I'm eating healthy and really trying hard to become some kind of super model within four weeks.

I returned home last night and collapsed on the sofa.  I was flush in the face, felt sick, my legs were like jelly, my eyes were heavy and I felt like a big bag of shite.

I was in bed at 9pm, which hasn't happened for years and I was asleep by 10pm.

My sleep is now fitful and restless. I think the adrenaline is still running through my body at 3am and I sleep like I have had 18 pints of lager.  And you all know what that sleep is like...

I start the day exhausted because of the 18 pint sleep business. 

Two days a week I am in the pool at 7.30am for a 50 length swim.   I then work a 40 hour week and now four nights a week I am doing a hardcore exercise class.

It's overkill.  Its exhausting.   It's killing me.

Tonight I have been thinking.

Who determines how beautiful we are?  Who determines how a person should look?   Who determines anything about me? 

The simple answer is "I do". 

I decide if I am beautiful.  I decide how I should look.  I determine everything about me.

So, why I am almost killing myself to try and be more beautiful?  Why am I almost killing myself to be thinner? 

There is no doubt that I want to be fitter.  That is a given.  And I am.  So much fitter.  Now I can do so much more without getting breathless.  I am asthmatic and it is controlled to the point of non existence and I can exercise hard and fast for long periods and not gasp like a fifty a day smoker.  I want to be like this.  I want to be fit but I don't want to kill myself to be fit.

I have had five children.  This gives me the right to have a stomach the size of Loch Ness that almost touches the floor when I walk.  Having children is the greatest achievement in my life why do I want to eradicate every memory of that from my body?  I should be proud of the body that I have now.

I am never going to be a size zero and frankly I would look bloody ridiculous if I was.  But its time I started embracing what I do look like as opposed to always trying to change it.

My husband tells me daily that I am beautiful and he couldn't care less what size I am.   So, its not like I am doing it to make my husband "want" me.  My children tell me I am beautiful (and that I cook lovely dinners).  So why do I feel the need to change so much?

I will continue to exercise.  I will, its a big part of my life.  But bootcamp three times a week?  I can't sustain that and maybe its time that I realised I don't need to sustain that.

We are all different.  We all need to learn to be happy with what we have, as long as it remains within the realms of healthy.

I like myself.  I like the fact that I am confident, outgoing and can sometimes be funny.  I now need to start liking the fact that my weight is also something that can be ok.

I'm not getting any younger, its time I found a happy medium.

So, I am going to try and calm down with the quest of finding "beauty" and realise that my inner beauty is equally as effective.

You know, we all carry around a different part of beautiful.  Its about finding your own and realising that you have it.  

Charity

I appreciate that the point of a charity is for normal folk,  like you and I, to donate and then the charity is able to give whatever it is that they have said they will give.  Or something like that.

All good, right?

But I have a problem with all the charities that are now asking for my help...

I can't support them all.  I don't want to support them all.

There are charities that are dear to your heart and then others that you couldn't care less about.  It's a personal choice.  And one that I feel should be exactly that.....personal.

This week I have been approached by all the schools this side of Charityville,  about Children In Need.   It's a charity that I would generally support.  Then I have been approached by another school about the DEC and the Phillipines disaster,  Another charity that I would gladly support.  Then there is Pink Monday, another charity I would gladly support.  But how can I afford to support them all?   Who's the better charity?  Who is more deserving?  Children in Need or those devastated in the Phillipines?  Or those who have suffered the loss of a child through cancer... Pink Monday? 

The pressure on me to make this decision.  I don't want it and, again, I don't need it.  

I want to support them all.  I want everyone to benefit.  But you can't.  You simply cannot help everyone. 

I am a massive cancer research supporter.  Mainly because I have lost my dad to cancer and I wouldn't want anyone to suffer the way I have.  This is the charity most dear to my heart.  I want to support them, above all else.  But does this make me horrible because I wont give to the RSCPA because it means nothing to me?  Or if I was too skint to give to Children In Need?  Or I wasn't engrossed with the NSPCC? 

I remember having a row with someone on my doorstep because I couldn't afford to make a monthly direct debit to their charity and objected the to the intrusion of saying "no" on my doorstep.  It's invasive.  I don't agree.  I will give to charity if I want, but not because I am forced.  

This week I have been asked to provide for many charities... not because I want to but because I don't want my children to look like they don't want to , if you see what I mean... 

I think charity has overwhelmed us as a population and its frowned upon if you don't donate.  And I genuinely feel that there isn't a person in the world who wouldn't donate to them all if they could.

As Children In Need overtakes my television for a marathon 6 billion hours....just remember this....

Charity?     The means of giving for those in need.  Fair enough.  But YOU chose who that person/ organisation is that is in need.  Not One Direction.  Not Gary Barlow.  Not Terry Wogan. 

You.

And if you don't feel like donating, or you simply cannot afford to donate.  Don't.  Its not the law.....

Luck

I have never thought myself to be particularly lucky.  I am adverse to buying raffle tickets because I know that I won't win.  Even if it is a tin of "savers" beans.  They won't end up belonging to me.

Luck.  It's a funny thing, isn't it?

My childhood was great.  End of.  My dad passed away when I was 14 which was utterly devastating.  That was unlucky.   But my lovely mum picked it up, turned it around and the rest of my childhood and early adult years were great.

When I was 19 I met Jurgen.  We had danced together in Martines numerous times.  We then spent a night afterwards, chatting about everything and anything and I KNEW we had a connection.  However, for reasons that are unexplained I never took his follow up phone calls and I married someone else.  As did he.  Twice.  The dickhead.     That was unlucky.   For both of us.  But more for him than me. 

I went on to have  Connor and Skye, respectfully,  from the biggest, most loveable knob end to grace this planet.  I am lucky to have them.  Very lucky.

Jurgen  runs his own business.  He has been working consistently for three years.  Quite successfully,  and he has had consistent work for yonks.  That's lucky.

I was asked to apply for another job when Communicare came to an end, and I was  lucky to land my current job, which I love with all amounts of equal emotions.   I have found my new niche.  It pains me as much as it thrills me.  It's the best job.  It suits me and I would never have applied for it had it not been for the demise of Communicare.  And now I cannot see me doing anything else.

I have had further luck.  We were taken to the family court this April.  I genuinely thought our luck was going to run out.  We had little time to fight the ludicrous, vicious claims or get legal representation of our own.  To avoid  BORING you to within an inch of your life, Jurgen's ex didn't continue to pursue an absurd Non molestation order as long as Jurgen agreed to joint residency for her and her new partner (no longer sure if they're married)  and agreed for the children to have passports.   We would have agreed to this without going to court.  Who wouldn't want to give the opportunity for their children to be safe and secure within their family and travel and see the world?  Remarkably and luckily for us it cost us NOTHING (except for a celebratory Mexican meal (and beer for me) afterwards) but  it must have cost her a small bloody fortune to take us to court.  I would have been furious if I had paid for legal representation for that debacle.  Seriously.   And we got bloody brilliant free legal advice from HER solicitor too for free.  Free.  Didn't cost me a penny.  My luck appeared to be endless...

I have five, beautiful healthy children.  I am really lucky to have a genuinely brilliant husband.  I drive nice cars (in my opinion).  I have a nice (to me)  house.  I have a undisputable fab job.  I have seen loads of the world,  Hawaii being the most awesome.  I am not any where near £43,500 in debt.   I am currently lucky...

But I wouldn't win a tin of beans in a raffle?

I often have concerns that my luck is due to run out....is that how it works?

It is a thought that I am far too familiar with...

What if we are all entitled to a little bit of luck but when your's runs out....it's a decline into shit ville.

What if "luck" is classed as trivial as your car will no longer routinely pass its MOT? 
Or that your gas central heating will no longer function routinely, every year...
Or that you need to fight an NMO in court....

I have everything now.  The happy children.  The husband who wants me to be happy but is also happy with me.  Who texts me 20 times a day to tell me he loves me.  Who phones me endlessly daily, to chat and catch up,  Who tells me that after 8 years he is as excited now as he was when we first met about spending the weekend together.  Who cleans out kitchen cupboards to make more room for the cereal I have overbought...

I may not be lottery winning lucky but I am proper lucky...

But is that the natural course of events?  Can luck be eternal?    Can you have copious amounts of good luck and never have to experience bad luck?

I cycle, often.  I put the world to rights on my bike rides.  I think about my children, my husband, our health, our family, our material possessions, our jobs.

Its all good.

But for how long? 

I chatted about this with Jurgen, when we were laughing, recently,  about the family court case.  We have ridden on the Hawaii 5 - 0 wave of luck for long enough...  but then we discuss our pasts and realise that we have both had enough bad luck for a lifetime and maybe it is our time for good luck and it will be endless...

I don't know how long we will ride this crest of  a wave. 

I think often that I am due for some crap to fall in my lap,  and then something good happens to me and I am confused all over again.

Do you make your own luck?  Are you destined for luck?

Bloody hell, it makes my head hurt.  But if you are riding that wave.  Continue.  Ride it like you are the best surfer this side of St Ives.  Ride it until it grabs you and spits you out with the surf.

It could be never ending.  It could be that it will last 3 minutes and then find someone else to pick up and spit out.

Its scary.  Its true.  But it's luck,  And no one know's how long your luck will last....