Don't

I have thought long and hard about writing this post.  It has taken me days to put together as opposed to my usual ten minutes.  I am sure that there will be repercussions for what I am about to write.  I am not even sure if I am going to publish yet, but if you are reading this then I guess I decided I would.

I'm tired, exhaused even of always being the person in the wrong.  Always being the internet stalker, always being the abuser, always accepting responsibility and apologising for my actions.  Never having the word "sorry" said back to me. 

So, here's my story....(it's a long one)

I met Jurgen 6 years ago.  Roman, my third boy, was four months old.  Jurgen's wife left him four months before I arrived on the scene.  I knew quite quickly that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Jurgen.   There was no decisions made between us it was just natural turn of events that he moved in, we got engaged and subsequently got married.  There aren't many times that we are not together.  Apart from when we are at work.  Where you will find one of us, generally you will find the other.  I like this way of life.  I don't feel overcrowded by him.  I am not controlled into behaving this way.  There is no other person that I want to be with alongside our children. 

Jurgens mum had chosen to put Jurgen in a childrens home when he was a boy.  The awful thing was, she chose to keep his sister with her.  I know Jurgen still has massive issues surrounding this rejection from his very own mother, who wouldn't? So, I was aware from the beginning of his family feuds.  In the January after we had been together 6 months, I , a single parent at the time, paid for us all to go over to Spain, where his mum now lives,  for him to build some bridges.  I took the whole family and stayed in a dump in Salou.  My mum babysat my children whilst Jurgs and I travelled the hour or so to his mums town to meet up with her and hopefully clear the air.  (THE only reason I went was because I had to drive the hire car)  We met at his sisters house.  I knew instinctively I was never  going to like her, the moment I saw Jurgens difficulty around her.  He apologised for the way he looked.  He was anxious, he had no confidence.    She gave us a grand tour of her modest home but yet she didn't offer us a cup of tea.  Rude.  She talked down to us both.  She said how we should have gone all inclusive in Salou as if it was our one great holiday of the year.  I didn't have the heart to tell her it was merely a means to an end, this break, and I was off to the Turks and Caicos in May.  I allowed her to patronise me.  I asked when we were going to meet up with his mum.   Then the bombshell.    His mum and stepdad, who knew we were coming, had gone out for the day.  We had travelled to Spain to see them and they had gone out for the day!  Its obvious to me now that meeting me was too soon after his marriage break up.  I know that now.  But perhaps a text saying don't come over would have been more polite than going out for the day.  Its dispicable behaviour and I will never forgive it. 

Not long after we returned, Jurgen received a letter from the  bailiffs saying they were going to his house and documenting goods to the tune of approx £7,000. His sister had apparently bought a car on a credit card belonging to his mum and then just didn't bother to pay for it.   When his sister moved to Spain she gave her forwarding address as Jurgens.  Talk about red rag to a bull.  I forwarded to the debt collecting agency the name and address of his mum in Spain, along with a letter to the unsuspecting stepdad regarding the deceipt going on behind his back.  I really didn't think at this stage that they would be my best friends and who would?  I don't apologise for this.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  However, I am sure that they will never forgive me for this.  Swings and roundabouts.

I never really knew anything about his ex wife as I always thought she was letting us get on with our lives.  She wasn't.  Little did I know but she had been writing on a public chat forum called Mumsnet.  She has been slating Jurgen for well over a year but now I was a target because I was his new girlfriend. 

A complete stranger sent Jurgen a link to the website after one particular vile attack that they didn't agree with and hence my obsession with the site started. 

I childishly started to retaliate by commenting on my Facebook status to her accusations.  Thus started a facebook war!  We were BOTH as bad as each other.  Eventually she sent me a massive long email documenting everything abusive Jurgen had done to her in their relationship.  I responded to this email with everything great he had done for me.  Thus started an email war.  She complained to her friends on Mumsnet that I was stalking her and sending her threatening emails. Yes, stalking on a public forum!  They all advised her to go to the police and report me for stalking.  But we both  knew that that wasn't going to happen.  No one would "do" me for stalking when she initiated the contact and resonded likewise to every email.  She would have been laughed out of the police station and she knew it.  But being honest and admitting her part in the emails would have meant she couldn't play the "victim". 

I read everything chronologically on Mumsnet and it took over my life for far too long.  But I defy anyone not to become obsessed with a complete stranger documenting on a public forum every detail of your life. Luckily for me when you read something that intently about one person you start to recognise the inconsistencies that no one else does.  The dishonesty became evident. 

I read about Romans adoption.  About how Jurgen should never be allowed to adopt him and how SHE should have the final decision who parented MY son, after all, she was the mother of his children....I also  read complete strangers pitying my son for having atrocious parents like Jurgs and I.  Complete strangers.  Its was heartbreaking.

I watched my husband crippled with pain when he read her account of his dad's death.  She never knew his dad but commented on Mumsnet that he died a lonely loser, in a squalid flat in Amsterdam of a drugs overdose.  Simply not true. He sobbed in my arms that night and I would have done time for murder.

My most painful read was just after the death of my ex husband.  She had obviously read my Facebook status about his passing and the subsuequent comments from my friends of sympathy.  She then started a thread on Mumsnet "pretending" it was Jurgen that had died.  This thread went on for 6 WHOLE DAYS.  She was gaining sympathy on the back end of my ex's death.  Again, complete strangers were calling me horrific names about the fact that I hadn't informed her that HER EX HUSBAND had died.  It was appalling.  She fed off that attention on the back end of my childrens grief.  I was enraged beyond belief.  Whilst I was struggling with the grief of my children I was walking around a raging maniac at Jurgens ex wife. It was an horrific time and I let my children down by letting my internet obsession take me away from them at their time of need.  And I will never forgive her for that.

I have had emails sent to my place of work trying to lose me my job, twice.  Luckily my HR department are aware of this feud and take it all in their stride.  But who would try and lose you your job?  Who would try and take your livelyhood away when its the only thing that keeps a roof over your children's head? 

I have done things too though.   But here's why I am different.  I accept I have done appalling things and let my anger overtake my sense of what's right and what's wrong. 

The first birthday card we sent to his daughter contained a letter to his ex.  Jurgen felt the need to vent some of his anger and so we sent a shitty letter.  With hindsight it wasn't appropriate to send with a birthday card for his daughter but we both knew that whilst we live and breath his daughter doesn't actually get to see the birthday cards.  I am not stupid.  I know that. 

We send money for their birthdays.  She complains tirelessly that we dont support the children but the cheques we send go uncashed.  We pay little through the CSA but my wages are not taken into account and we have offered to pay more directly to them but this has been refused.  So, the complaining is just consistent with her "victim" mentality.  The hypocrisy is rife too.  His ex wife in question and Jurgen ensured that as a couple they never paid a penny to the CSA for Jurgens children from his first marriage.  Not a penny.  REFUSED to pay a penny.  But yet now I am the lowest of the low because I dont pay her the megabucks she thinks she deserves.  It makes my blood boil.  I get why she would be mad that she doesn't receive enough money from Jurgen to support their children.  I do.  But, be reasonable.  When YOU never paid to support his other children why would you then act to viciously? 

I also sent a really shitty email to his sister on the back end of her trying to lose me my job.  But I only ever sent one unprovoked (well I say unprovoked but she did try and lose me my job)   I had been drinking and she had again unblocked me on Facebook so I fired one off.  It was nasty.  I agree.  But the very next day I sent another one apologising.  I was mortified by my own behaviour and disgusted that I had allowed myself to stoop to her level. 

Together we also sent a shitty letter to the ex's mum.  Full of print outs of all the nasty bitchy things she had said about her family on Mumsnet.  Yes, its not only us that she slags off over the internet.     We were, by this point at our wits end.  We had received an email from one of HER friends, a complete stranger to us,  it contained verbal abuse of the highest order , nasty nasty comments about his parenting skills, his family, his apparent ugliness.  Again, it was horrific.  I did write a Facebook status asking for an apology and left it a week before writing the letter but she chose, again, not to accept responsibility so I sent the letter I had warned her I would.  If only she could have said sorry.  I am sure she will never forgive me for that.  She later said on Mumsnet that they all laughed and commented how thick we both were.  She obviously tells her own mum to her face the contempt she feels for her.  So, no harm done in my eyes. 

His sister blocked us on Facebook but then created more accounts to stalk and harrass us.  Mellissa Uot and Daisy May being two "friends"  I didn't ever know existed. 

I thought I would try Twitter.  What harm can come to me on there?  Well, there starts a whole nother story!  Needless to say the bullying has not stopped.   The following pictures occured within the last two weeks.  However, it had NOTHING to do with the ex. NOTHING. I have no idea why she got involved. She complains that she wants us to leave her alone but she thought she would tweet the messages below knowing that we could see them. Its bullying. I am not a "freak" and I am not "thick" and I certainly don't hate myself. But these are all bullying statements. One thing I have learned that every "situation" to a bully is an opportunity. 

 

 

 I never contacted his sister at all. Still haven't to this day. This is her commenting on things that I have already said. I have never responded directly to her. I have only ever tweeted her to ask her to leave me alone. She frightens me a lot. 

It doesn't matter how you dress this all up, its bullying.  I am equally as guilty for responding.  But I never initiate these things I am just really bad at reacting to it.    I need to learn to ignore.  I need to learn to be bigger and better.  I am loyal to my family and will always fight to protect them but if you don't fuel the fire then it eventually goes out.

Social Networking is the devils work.  We all know that.  There isn't one of you that hasn't looked up an ex and laughed at their new "uglier girlfriend/ boyfriend"   Mocked their lifestyle.  Or been inwardly fuming as they excel without you.  Jealousy is a bad trait and we all know it exists but its when you choose to take it that step further that it becomes a problem.  The distress and hurt you cause is immeasurable.

I no longer read Mumsnet.  Genuinely.  Its an atrocious site and as a parenting network I find it unhealthy.  And it threatened my relationship with Jurgen, because I took my anger out on him time and time again. 
I hardly ever use Facebook - its safer that way.

I have been at the bottom of the barrell.  I have been the single parent with not enough money to buy a loaf of bread.  I have done all that and bought the very cheap tshirt.  But, I am luckier now.  More financially secure, in a safe relationship.  I am proud of what my life has become and I dont want to hide it or feel bullied into coming off Social Networking sites that I enjoy because someone thinks they can bully me into doing so.

If you want to stalk, do so.  It's of no consequence to me at all.  I'm immensely flattered that my life is that interesting.  But, when you step over the line and make it personal, that I can no longer tolerate.  I will not react.  Not again.  But, when you are doing it, think of the damage you are doing.  Think of my children who watch it from the outside and seriously cannot understand it all.   Think of someone else but yourselves for a change. 

For the record, my husband has NEVER financially, sexually, emotionally or physically abused me.  NEVER.  Kind of odd don't you think because the  Mumsnet mantra suggests an abuser is like a leopard and never changes it's spots.    The important thing is this.  Those who know us, our true friends and relatives know this.  We are happy in the knowledge that strangers can think what they like.  Its the opinions of the one's that know us that matters.  I think its plain to everyone who knows us how happy Jurgs & I are as a couple.  As a family. 

So my message to you is PLEASE, before you send the email , text, status or tweet   "DON'T"   Just don't.....

Because if you don't then I most certainly won't.

Fallen

My grandad served in the armed forces in World War II.  

When I was about 8 years old I remember doing a project at school about the war and I interviewed him about his experiences but he didn't open up much and really gave me nothing to go on.  I embellished his account of events and promptly forgot all about it.

With Rememberance Day this Sunday,  I started chatting to my mum about it.  I told her he never really talked about the war and his experiences. 

I learned that he was taken prisoner in Italy in 1942/ 1943 and my nan never heard from him again until the end of the war.  She wasn't sure if he was dead or alive.   

Whilst he was a prisoner of war his told by the Germans that he was to  help to make bullets.  Apparently him and all his regiment flatly refused to do such a task and told them they would rather die than to make bullets that would kill their allies.   Reluctantly the Germans agreed and they ended up sewing parachutes or something similar. 

When the final days of the war came, his regiment were moved from the camp and marched onwards.  They knew that the war was over because one by one the German officers fled and they were finally picked up and taken to safety by the Americans.

To his dying day he never really talked about it again.  My mum told me that he had seen so many horrors that he didn't want to relive it and he certainly didn't want an impressionable 8 year old to know such things went on.

As much as I agree to his sentiment it pains me greatly that there is so much that went on in his life that we will never know about.  So much that we should know about.  So much that we should NEVER FORGET.

I am incredibly proud of my grandad and what he did for this country.  And I will be marking my place for the two minute silence on Sunday.  I implore you all to do the same.

Honouring our soldiers is all Sunday is about to me.  Its not about whether you agree with war.  I strongly disagree with the conflict in Afghanistan but I thank the stars every single day that there are people, braver than me, who are prepared to fight for Queen and country.

Its an issue I am passionate about.  It's an issue I teach my children to be passionate about.  We buy poppies every year and as much as they only last for less that a day on the childrens coats they are aware why we are buying them and for me, what the sentiment means.

Sunday should not be made into a political issue.  Its just a day where we can show our respect.  Where we can say thank you to soldiers past and present who have put their lives on the line so that we can have the freedoms we are so very lucky to have.

I will be paying my respects tomorrow for our active serving heroes and for our heroes who have fallen along the way.  Please.  Please.  May you do the same. 

Judge

So, half term is coming to an end.  For once in my life I am saddened by this.  I have really enjoyed having time off work and spending quality time with my children. 

 

 

When I worked in Communicare I worked shifts.  Three 12 1/2 hour shifts per week which consisted of days and nights. Most weeks I picked up at least one overtime so it meant working in excess of 50 hour weeks.    I have recently changed jobs and I now work  9 - 5   Monday to Friday, with no possiblity of overtime.   It has changed my life completely.

I am no longer walking around in a haze of knackerness. I am much more financially settled so far less financially stressed .  I am home every evening to do homework, reading, cooking a meal and sitting around the dinner table chatting about the days going's on.    I am less tetchy in general because I love my job and I am less exhausted.  I have finally managed to change my lifes routine and alter my life to accommodate a "normal" job. 

My mum and Jurgen cover the main crux of the childcare between them.  I am very lucky.  But I miss my children.  I miss being away from them for that amount of time but then I explain to them if they want holidays, Father Christmas to visit etc then I have no choice but to work.  Its no fun explaining to a three year old that really I need to pay the mortgage!

I have had problems this week with abusive messages from Jurgens sister.  I can take it.  It makes me as mad as hell that she does it but she's no threat to me.  However, she always slags of my parenting skills.  

Its a sensitive issue, parenting. 

In my opinion its the one issue that you can discuss behind someones back but not actually say to their face.  NO ONE wants to be told that their parenting is shit.  If you see someone's child having a screaming hissy fit, you think in your head " I wouldn't let my child do that!"  but if you were to say it to their face you probably would lose your front teeth.   We all deal with parenting differently.  That's life.  There is no right way or wrong way.  Its how you choose to parent that makes it work for you. 

I'm a really laid back mum.  BUT, I have certain rules and regulations that if you break you are in a world of shit.  My children know instinctively when they have gone too far.  I don't have to think about smacking  because there simply is no need.  My children know when I have the "look" they back off and think twice. 

I am really close to all my children so I must be doing something right.

Being the mum to a teenager is my most challenging role yet.  My oldest, Connor, came home paraletic at the weekend.  I was away and my mum cleared up his sick and put him to bed and periodically checked on him through the night.  I was aware that it was all going on but couldn't do anything to help.  The next day I talked to him.  Just like an adult.  I explained how stupid he was and how I didn't want him to do it again anytime soon,  but am aware that he probably will.   My theory on teenage years, its about remembering how I was as a teenager.   Shouting and hollering isn't going to stop him doing it.  Making sure I know about it and ensuring that he is safe at all times will help when he is doing it. 

Other people wouldn't accept that their 15 year old was drinking.  And that's ok also.  Its a minefield and you stumble along the best you can.

My daughter has had problems with other girls in her school.  I won't have it.  If you pick on my daughter I will ensure, through the proper channels, that you won't do it again.   I will make sure she doesn't go to bed crying at the thought of going to school the next day.  Its my job - as her parent. 

I am lucky to be in a settled, happy marriage.  Its so much easier having someone to discuss the issues with, someone to make the decisions with.    Jurgs and I  discuss everything.  We wont let one have a sleepover unless we  have discussed it first. 

I have spent quality time with my children this week.  Having family days out.  Sitting on the kitchen floor playing cars.  Singing silly songs.  Walking up the farm.  Playing silly games.  Making pumpkin soup together and Trick or Treating.  I'm ashamed to say that its been a long time since I have done this.  Far too long.  Its been an eye opener for me this week and I have remembered just how brilliant being a mum can be. 

I have had Roman and Mattias screaming and shouting at each other. 
Mattias : "Mum, he keeps calling me Keith Lemon!"
Roman : "Mum, he keeps calling me Louie Spence!"
They are articulate and hilariously funny.  But I appreciate that they can sometimes be naughty.   

I have been a single mum, working two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.  But sometimes money is not enough.  Spending time with them is. 

Having children is a privilege not a right.  And I will be eternally thankful that I have 5 beautiful, healthy children who mean the world to me.

Let my children be the judge of my parenting.  Let them speak to me about the issues that they have.  Not you.