Journey

I fear I've become the worlds worst running bore.  And this blog is a little self indulgent.

I graduated C25K at the end of May.  I amazed myself.  When I first started I couldn't run for 60 seconds without breathing like a 40 a day smoker.  But with perseverance and high expectations of myself  I forced myself to finish and I did.  

And since then I've run 15k a week.  Without fail.

I've realised, when I decide I'm going to do something , I'm going to succeed.  Nothing's going to stop me.  I'm not a quitter - even if I've bitten off more that I can chew.  And I'm not sure that I like this about myself.  I mentally beat myself up if I don't do what I set out to do, and I'm not at all easy on myself.

And running's a bitch.   While I'm doing it I don't even enjoy it.  But the sense of euphoria that floods my body every time I finish is like the worlds best buzz.  

And I still don't get the whole concept of running.  Sometimes I run as if I'm Zola Budd.  Breathing is right, nothing hurts and I feel like I could run forever.  Sometimes I run as if my legs are made of wood, and those wooden legs are wading through treacle.  And sometimes I just stop dead as if I've crashed into a brick wall.  There's absolutely no rhyme or reason to any of it.  I don't know how I'm going to fare on each run until I'm at least 10 minutes in.

Many a time I've hit that brick wall, and phoned Jurgen in tears because I just can't go on.  He drops everything and drives to wherever I am and brings me home.  He's an absolute angel.  He happily gives me loads of free time to go running.  He encourages and supports but tells me I'm mad, not to be so hard on myself.  He holds my hands while I cry, sniff and stamp my feet at my huge disappointment in not completing a 5k.  And the disappointment is immense.  Soul destroying even.  And I don't know why.  3 months ago I couldn't run to the end of my drive and now I can, I beat myself up if I don't finish.  Whats that all about?  If I dont finish a 5k then I'll do more runs in a week so I can do 15k.     I've run through horrendous stitches because I must finish.  I've run with a dodgy hip because I must finish.  And I know that its not good for me, I do.  I know I should stop.  Give my body time to recover but I don't.  I carry on.  Because the voice in my head telling me I mustn't quit is louder than the voice in my head telling me my legs are going to drop off.  

Interestingly (or not) I suffer with misophonia (you'll have to google it...)  I have my triggers - usually noisy eaters,  children yelling that sort of thing.   I've learned while running that I have a few more that I never knew about.  I can't take a water bottle as the sound of water sloshing around makes me want to rip my own ears off.  So, I put up with a mouth as dry as the Gobi desert.  And even more bizarrely I can't stand the sound of my own heavy breathing.  I listen to loud music, and in between tracks for .5 of a second if I don't hold my breath a murderous rage overtakes me, over my very own breathing.  If I hadn't started running I would never have learned these interesting facts.  Whats not to love about myself?

Work is tough at the moment.  Really tough.  But somehow the running helps,  It leaves me on a high every time I do it . And mentally I feel great because of it.  Which is amazing when I am working in quite a stressful environment.   I absolutely put the world to rights while running.   Between trying hard to swallow while holding my breath so I cant hear my breathing I've worked out my own version of Brexit and redesigned my entire house.  Its madly ridiculous.  But how life changing?  My body shape has changed.  I still weigh the same as a baby elephant but I feel great and so toned.  And I am not eating celery and water cress to exist.  And I swap a run for a beer every Friday night .  So, its all good.

I've said before I've no desire to run around the world, I'm happy (ish) doing my 5k's.  So, I guess I'm half way through a never ending journey.  I've learned a lot about myself, mainly bad if I'm honest.   But it's ok to recognise your weaknesses.  To reflect on those and work on improving them.  And I'm trying.  Tonight I stopped when the stitch was unbearable.  Stretched out and waited for it to stop and carried on.  A week ago I wouldnt have done that.  So, I'm trying.

And lastly (if you've got this far)  a friend messaged me this week to say she'd finished her C25K big run and was a little bit inspired by me to start running again,  and that made me cry a little in a huge grin, snotty nosed type way.  Because I don't do much in life that has an effect on others but that one message had a huge impact on me.  This friend is much much more awesome than I'll ever hope to be so if you can inspire the very people that you look up to then its a gift that keeps on giving.