Seriously?

I have been power walking to town for two weeks.  This week Jurgen downloaded some sort of music app for me to listen to.  And provided me with big 1980's type headphones to listen to said music while I am strutting out of breath into town. 

So, half way to town today I thought the music needed to be turned up.  You know, the sun was shining.  I was getting my exercise on and I was walking fast.  You NEED loud music in your ears to carry this off.

So, pressing the volume up button in an enthusiastic manner with a huge "loving life" grin, the volume remained the same.  I pressed the "up" button again.  Nothing,  Still mediocre sound.  I got annoyed., looked down at the phone to see what the f**k was wrong with the bloody thing and saw a warning that said something like

"loud music can cause hearing problems. You may need ear surgery to ever hear again.   If you want to increase the sound please press here.  And then use your volume up button"

I. Nearly. Had. A. Coronary.

I am 41 years old.  I understand that the phone doesn't know this but I reckon from the very fact that I've got a phone I'm not a baby.

Do I need my mum, sitting in the form of a mobile phone, telling me what to do.  No,  I actually bloody well don't.  If I want to listen to my phone belting out tunes so that my very ears bleed then I can.  Because that's my perogative,  I can do what I bloody well like.  And so the cycle of nanny state continues.

The government are asking me to make a decision on whether the UK needs to be in Europe,  but Samsung won't allow me to make a decision on how loud I want my music?   Come on people. Back the fu** off.  I can't cope with this shit.  I am not clued up enough to make a decision on Europe but I also need a bit of guidance on how loud I want my music playing in my very own ears?   No, I don't actually. Educate me on Europe.  But do not try and tell me how I like my music played.

I phoned Jurgen immediately and told him how cross this made me.  He told me it was a "Samsung" thing.  And they were covering their arses incase anyone ever sued them bcause their ears fell off while listening to music on their devices.   And apparently this is enough to satisfy.  Oh no siree.  Not me.

Whatever next.  The "Nightclub" police?  As you walk into the club they tell you that the speakers are loud and may hurt your hearing and is this ok?  Can you cope with the loudness? 

I don't think you've been clubbing if your ears don't ring and you can't hear for four days after.

The supermarket police?  Who judge you on your weight as you walk in and follow you around the supermarket and chant in your ear, that you're fat and that the cake you've put in your trolley is doing nothing for your diet and will make you fat and spotty.

Or the library police?  Who tell you that there is no noise and ask if that is going to be ok?  Can you cope with the silence because chatting loudly is not allowed....

Or the cinema police?  Who tell you the basics of the film, who lives and who dies, in case you are too upset to walk home.  Or drive home.

Or the pub police?  Who tell you 18 pints of lager is likely to make you drunk, and act like a twat and may make strangers punch you hard in the face. Twice.

Or the taxi police.  Who asks you if it ok if they drive you home and the speed in which they are going to drive in case it makes you car sick? 

Do you get my point?  I am an adult .  I won't do something if I don't want to. I'm not going to jump off a cliff in a hoodie with a kite tied to it because Bear Frigging Grylls has told me not to. In fact it makes me want to do it more.   I'm a rebel, that's what I do.

I nearly screw - drived own my ears out my skull today because Samsung told me not to.  Its a defense mechanism thing.  Who's mum told them not to do "such and such" as a child.....  and you did it twice.  Just because?

I want to be an adult.  I'm 41.  And I'm going to act like one.  Even if that means that I have to behave like a big effing child to become one.  So, tonight I'm eating cake, listening to loud music and thinking hard about jumping off a cliff with just a kite.....