Mental

I've had a difficult weekend. 

A really difficult weekend.  I have learned things about myself this weekend and suffered with a depression that I have never known before and I wanted to tell you about it.

Mental health is a taboo subject.  We all want to pretend, if you will, that our lives are brilliant and full of joy, love and laughter and the shitty mundane things never get us down and things never get on top of us.

In the world of social media gone mad, no one much admits anymore to having difficult days.  Facebook status' are full of happiness, and loving, and fun, and happy times.   No one really wants to tell the world they are actually having a crap time.    But I have.  Had a crap time.  This weekend.  (although, agreed,  I didn't write a facebook status about it....)

For the last couple of weeks I haven't felt right.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I haven't felt right.  Really out of sorts.  And snappy, really snappy.  I put it down to tiredness because I can.  But deep down I knew that it wasn't that.  I was apologising to Jurgen far too much for reacting badly to things he had said.  And I knew that I had reacted badly.  Poor Jurgen didn't know if he was coming or going.   

It all sort of came to a head this weekend and I had a light bulb moment too.   

Saturday night I felt desolate.  I mean lost.  Devoid of emotion and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Couldn't see past the day.  Didn't want to see past the day.  Didn't want to return to work.  Didn't want to get up the next day.  I mean, seriously worrying shit.  And the scary thing was I knew that I was having these feelings and couldn't work out where they had come from, or why they were happening but  continuing to fell really bad, almost suicidal. 

I went to bed and couldn't scrape my feelings from the bottom of wherever it was my feelings were.  It was painful and really difficult for me to grasp.  But the weight, bearing down on me was unbelievably heavy.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling exactly the same.  I was really teary and still couldn't function properly.  Jurgen couldn't understand what was happening and everything got a bit too much.

It finished in a crescendo of tears and snot and stuff.  But holding onto Jurgen I emptied my entire body of its fluid through my eyes and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. 

So, we had a chat and I was wracking my brain as to what was different.  I wasn't having marital problems, financial problems, teen problems.  NOTHING had changed but yet my mood was dangerously low. 

And then my lightbulb moment.    My doctor had recently changed my birth control pill.  I had been on my existing one for years and years and then suddenly they were discontinued and I had to change.  That was four weeks ago.    About when my mood changed.

I reckon I have been pretty good at covering it up.  Cheery and bright to the outside world but difficult and moody to those I love most in the world. 

Jurgen said that I am always so positive, always the fighter, always the joker.  And he couldn't cope with the change, didn't know how to cope with the change.  Just kept hugging me over and over and telling me that he was here for me....that he was working for me and not against me.  I could hear him, I could feel him but I still wanted to kill him....

Today, I felt slightly better.  I made an appointment with the doctor and I am going to ask to have my pill changed again.  To be honest I would prefer to have 10 more children than to feel the debilitating inner pain I felt this weekend.

I have never had mental health issues before. I have had mild PMT but I have never ever suffered like I have this weekend.  Its been torturous for me and my family.

Some people deal with this daily.  Some people live their whole lives feeling like this.  What I found totally overwhelming was I was aware of the change in my feeling but couldn't shake it and knew, without doubt, I was being irrational.  Its scary to know that you don't want to feel like that but cannot do a damned thing to stop it.

I think I am coming out the other side.  I have a goal of the doctors appointment and I hope this is a temporary glitch. 

I can't tell you if it will be. 

Even those of us who are always laughing, joking and always seeing the glass "half full" can suffer.  But we should talk about it more.  We should share it more and make it an ok subject to talk about.  I want to talk about it.  In fact, blogging about it has been a positive for me. 

Mental health issues are out there.   And in the world of the ever increasing social media sites we shouldn't be afraid to tell the world.  That occasionally we want to get off the merry go round.  Even if it is just for ten minutes....