Hayley

With the massive Coronation Street story line of Hayley Cropper choosing to take her own life being prevalent on my mind this week.. it got me to thinking.

I never actually saw the episode.  I just couldn't watch.  I am a massively emotional person at the best of times and can cry at a drop of a hat so I didn't need to see something that was guaranteed to have me sobbing uncontrollably like a member of my own family had died. 

I admit, I do have a bit of a problem with storylines such as these.  I'm all for being entertained and I appreciate gritty acting and real life stories.  But I am wrestling with my conscience over these emotional scenes that we put down as "entertainment".

Jurgen and I had a chat about it all afterwards.  And he asked the question if I would help him end his life if he was diagnosed with a  terminal illness.

How do you answer that?  My gut reaction is that I would do anything for him, so of course I would do this.  I wouldn't want to see him suffer so what's the problem?

Here's my problem.

I am too bloody selfish and far too scared. 

Imagine if you will the reality of assisting to watch someone die or at the very least watching them help themselves.  Could you?  Really?   Administer the fatal overdose. Watch THEM administer the fatal overdose.  Hold their hand while they passed...

The whole thing is far too overwhelming for me.  When my dad died, he died a painful, undignified death that most cancer sufferers do.  And as a young teenager I was adamant that , if I was given the choice, I would help someone to die.  I was a massive advocate for euthanasia and was very passionate about my views.  I mean, you wouldn't let a dog suffer like that would you?  The dog would have the saving grace of the vets injection.

But now?  I'm not so sure. 

I absolutely respect the persons right to choose to die.  Absolutely.  I think that we should be allowing euthanasia as a dignified choice.  For those that are armed with the facts, are of sound mind and have an unbearable terminal illness. 

But while it isn't legal I couldn't deal with the consequences of helping Jurgen ( or anyone else for that matter) to die. 

And, as I mentioned earlier, I am far too selfish.

I have a fear of death.  I'm no longer sure if its a healthy fear.  I have lost four close family members in my lifetime and that is quite a lot.  Death has always been quite a big part of my life, if that makes sense.

I probably think about it a little bit too much.  My greatest fear, in fact, is leaving my children without a mum, and them growing up without me in their lives.  I am sure this relates to everyone but it is a proper fear of mine that I have had occasional sleepless nights over. 

So, back to would I help Jurgen?

Jurgen is my whole world and I genuinely don't know how I would cope without him.  We do everything together.  My world genuinely revolves around him and my children.  And having seen my mum struggle massively with the loss of my dad, this is also a massive fear for me.  Being without him.  Forever.  I really want to say yes.  You know, be the supportive wife that would do anything for their other half.  But, if I am honest I don't think I could do it.

I really really hope that none of us, ever, have to make the decision.   None of us have to be as brave as Roy Cropper and make the harrowing decision to watch the ones we love die.      

I don't want the responsibility of the decision and I hope that I never have the responsibility.

I do however, hope that we get the chance to debate euthanasia and its ups and downs, if you will.  A good old fashioned debate that then allows the freedom of choice about this emotive topic...the freedom of choice to be yours.