Battles

So, 2014 is no longer a new born and it's becoming old hat.  I have already mastered the art of writing '14 instead of '13.  

I don't make new years resolutions.  I used to but found that they were broken within a day and couldn't quite see the point.  When I was younger, every new year the first thing we always asked was what your resolutions were...now nobody cares.  Nobody.

This year,  I am changing the new year resolution adage to:

What's your new year battles?

I find that on a day to day level my life is full of "battle".  And I thrive on it.  My life is not complete unless I am fighting a battle no matter how trivial.

I want to decorate the lounge.  I have a few ideas.  I want something different.  I mean REALLY different.  Jurgen and I have been discussing colour schemes and I can tell he thinks there is something wrong with me.  But he is far too polite (or not brave enough) to tell me.  He gently tries differing my opinion and suggests other things.   But I want what I want and no amount of coaxing is going to change that.  And, love him, I always get what I want - its a standing joke in this house, but he needs his opinion to be heard.   And I hear it and then ignore it...I think maybe I have won this battle. 

I battle daily with CRAP in my house.  Since Christmas you are lucky to find a seat to sit on that's free of crap.  Its like an adult game of musical chairs.  My lounge is drowning in a sea of toys that have no where to go.  No place to live.   I have no idea where I am going to put them.  But, its funny because with time the toys just tend to blend in, or find a home and the problem suddenly ceases to exist.  At the moment I just keep tidily putting them in piles (like that helps).  I battle daily with space and crap.  I need more of one and less of the other.  Large amounts of crap and no amount of space makes me tetchy.   I could pretend I am going to move to a bigger house.  But it's not going to happen.  I can't afford to move. I could pretend, for Facebook purposes, that  I am a financial genius who can magic money from thin air but that would be ludicrous.   I love my little house that is bursting at the seems.  I am going to add to it over time but for now the space and crap issue is a battle I am never going to win,  but I will die trying...

I battle with my children.  Today has been the battle of the bed time.  Over Christmas they have been used to going to bed when they want.  We have reigned it in over the last couple of days but nothing prepares them for the "early night"  before returning to school .  Its a battle I never ever lose but they try their hardest to win.  I battle with getting them up, getting them in the shower, getting them to clean their teeth, getting them out the door for school, getting them to do their homework, putting their shoes away and the list goes on.  Its a trivial battle, daily, but a battle nonetheless. 

I battle with the schools.  Fort Hill being my all time favourite school to do battle with.  This term I am expecting a battle because they have changed their school uniform policy four months in.  How silly of them to think that I am not going to go down without a fight.  Skye has the wrong shoes now and the wrong tie.  I haven't bought her new ones for the new term.  I bought her current shoes a week before they decided to change their policies.  I will buy her new "correct" ones when these ones have worn out but when I am ready.  And I will fight.  With teachers who threaten to exclude her, with the Board of Governors (who know me by my first name) and with Hants County Council (who are not far off knowing me by my first name) .  If I believe something is unjust I will fight.  It's just in my nature.

I battle with my weight.  Always have done, always will do.  I have been huge, small, bigger and then small, and then bigger.  I have never been thin but I have been ok for me .  I am about to begin battle again tomorrow.  Just to lose some of the weight I have gained over Christmas.  I am just going to eat healthy and exercise normally.  I am not going to kill myself over it but I know I need to do it because I feel uncomfortable.   I love the new year weight battle.  I do it every year.  Sometimes I win sometimes I lose.  Its this battle that I am happy to occasionally lose because I do love my food.  And drink.  And chocolate.  And cake.  And crisps...

Its no secret that I have battled with Jurgens family.  I wont bore you again with the details but I am always more than happy to fight that battle.  I am currently receiving debt collectors phone calls and letters at my home for Jurgen's family.  This makes my blood boil.   I have never met them and their debt is associated to me at my home... And I think you will find there is not a person in the world who wouldn't be aggrieved by this.  This battle is like a bit between my teeth.  And I will bite and bite like a rabid dog.  I will never win.  You cant win against people who don't see their own shortcomings.  

I am a true battler.  I am good at it.  You know what makes me win, time after time?  My honesty.  If I believe in something then I will battle but I will do it honestly.  And I am big enough and ugly enough to realise I make mistakes and more than happy to apologise when I get it wrong. And  I freely admit defeat in fighting against those who lie.  Its a battle I can never win.  It saddens me greatly that those who choose to lie don't realise that I know they are lying and they just look a little bit more stupid than they did previously.  It pains me that they think I am stupid.  Or maybe they do realise I know.  They MUST know I am not stupid.  But they are too wrapped up in the confusion caused by their very own lies to care.   The good thing for me is that the lies always become apparent.  To everyone.  In the end.   I can't stress enough how its obvious that they lie.  Really obvious.  Shamefully so. 

I do pick my battles carefully.  I do hold a grudge and always will.  I probably should learn to let go but again, its not in my nature.  I am a protective fighter, an aggrieved fighter and a fighter for all that I believe to be right.  I think I will always be a fighter.  I can't ever see it "going over my head".  I'm like my mum, who has always been brilliantly outspoken and wickedly opinionated and we have had some blazing humdingers over time due to our differing opinions but similar pig headedness.

So if I was to have a new year resolution it would be to keep battling.  I am good at it.    I am not letting things go, or moving on with my life.  Get a grip.  I am going to continue to battle with one person, one issue, one child, one husband at a time. Or all of them at the same time if necessary.  I can multi task.

 Its who I am.  I am not going to change me.  I can't change me.   

And like Jurgen keeps warning me....  So what if it ends up giving me a coronary....?