Beauty

Three weeks ago I stood in front of Skye and allowed her to take photo's of me in my bra and knickers from the front, side and back.  The horror that came from looking at these photo's was enough for me to start the torture that is bootcamp.

I'm eating healthy and really trying hard to become some kind of super model within four weeks.

I returned home last night and collapsed on the sofa.  I was flush in the face, felt sick, my legs were like jelly, my eyes were heavy and I felt like a big bag of shite.

I was in bed at 9pm, which hasn't happened for years and I was asleep by 10pm.

My sleep is now fitful and restless. I think the adrenaline is still running through my body at 3am and I sleep like I have had 18 pints of lager.  And you all know what that sleep is like...

I start the day exhausted because of the 18 pint sleep business. 

Two days a week I am in the pool at 7.30am for a 50 length swim.   I then work a 40 hour week and now four nights a week I am doing a hardcore exercise class.

It's overkill.  Its exhausting.   It's killing me.

Tonight I have been thinking.

Who determines how beautiful we are?  Who determines how a person should look?   Who determines anything about me? 

The simple answer is "I do". 

I decide if I am beautiful.  I decide how I should look.  I determine everything about me.

So, why I am almost killing myself to try and be more beautiful?  Why am I almost killing myself to be thinner? 

There is no doubt that I want to be fitter.  That is a given.  And I am.  So much fitter.  Now I can do so much more without getting breathless.  I am asthmatic and it is controlled to the point of non existence and I can exercise hard and fast for long periods and not gasp like a fifty a day smoker.  I want to be like this.  I want to be fit but I don't want to kill myself to be fit.

I have had five children.  This gives me the right to have a stomach the size of Loch Ness that almost touches the floor when I walk.  Having children is the greatest achievement in my life why do I want to eradicate every memory of that from my body?  I should be proud of the body that I have now.

I am never going to be a size zero and frankly I would look bloody ridiculous if I was.  But its time I started embracing what I do look like as opposed to always trying to change it.

My husband tells me daily that I am beautiful and he couldn't care less what size I am.   So, its not like I am doing it to make my husband "want" me.  My children tell me I am beautiful (and that I cook lovely dinners).  So why do I feel the need to change so much?

I will continue to exercise.  I will, its a big part of my life.  But bootcamp three times a week?  I can't sustain that and maybe its time that I realised I don't need to sustain that.

We are all different.  We all need to learn to be happy with what we have, as long as it remains within the realms of healthy.

I like myself.  I like the fact that I am confident, outgoing and can sometimes be funny.  I now need to start liking the fact that my weight is also something that can be ok.

I'm not getting any younger, its time I found a happy medium.

So, I am going to try and calm down with the quest of finding "beauty" and realise that my inner beauty is equally as effective.

You know, we all carry around a different part of beautiful.  Its about finding your own and realising that you have it.